Among the many events, the AVM family carried out included feeding the unfortunate on the streets and the fortunate in temples, and passing food parcels to the homeless, and groceries too to the many who did have homes but were fighting to survive poverty. Once we decided to serve packed food at a small temple adjacent to some flats. We started distributing to those dwellers of the flats whom we had informed ahead as early as 5 in the evening. As devotees trickled in for the evening prayer we halted to give way for the Nitya puja at 7pm. The priest after the prayers told me that what we did was wrong. He said, "You should only feed them after the curtain is drawn aside for the puja for only then shall God see what you are doing." I was shocked beyond belief. I asked myself was God employed like us and worked certain hours of the day as in 9 to 5? What happens after these hours? Doesn't he exist? I kept my cool as it was their premises and we have to abide by the rules. But today something came over me and moved me to do what I did.
I broke a rule today. As my third grandchild was a month old today, we went to a nearby temple. It was an emotional reunion of sorts with the Gods and Goddesses at the temple as it has been a long time since I visited a temple. The wonderful songs by Sirgazhi Govindarajan that were played stirred the emotions further. These days I can hardly listen to any devotional songs without tearing. It is the same with some movies too. I had listened to these songs numerous times as I had them on cassettes those days but it never moved me then.
As we stood in line to receive the prasadham or sacred ash, my hands reached out for it. The priest stopped me from dipping my hand into the container. He told me to just receive the arati and he shall give me the ash. Something in me moved and I gave him a stare and went ahead and dipped my fingers into the container and applied the ash on my forehead. I walked away as he kept looking at me. What did happen back there?
Receiving temple prasad is akin to the transmission of energies for people like us. If we were a good vessel we could directly perceive and receive these energies from the divine or the gurus. The saints received these energies from the Prapanjam as they were good receivers and could transfer them to others as they were equally good conductors. We should become good receivers to taste the bliss that is out there. It is not beyond our reach but it is just that we are not a good vessel to partake in the joy. The Siddhas help prepare us beginning with the physical body and its internals changing the Asudha Deham to Sudha Deham and later working on the Pranava Deham to bring it to the state of the Oli Deham.
I did not know the subtle reasons for numerous rituals done at the temples until I took up the worship of the Siddhas and began these rituals in my home. For instance, the significance of bathing statues was to cool down mother earth and all the Atmas. I realized this truth as my body cooled each time we did libation or abhisegam for Agathiyar. Back then I did not understand. Now I see that we are connected - rock, water, plants, animals, people, gurus, and the gods.
Now I understand why Tavayogi in taking me to the temples went straight to the samadhi or shrine of the Siddhas and sat in meditation. He never enters the Mulastanam or main sanctum or visits the numerous shrines of accompanying deities. So as usual when we were at Agasthiyampalli he headed straight to Agathiyar's sannadhi and sat down to begin his meditation. The priest who seem to await our arrival and ushered us upon arrival told us to go round the temple grounds and pray at Lord Shiva's sanctum first. Tavayogi followed for once. When we returned and stood before Agathiyar I sat in the outer space, Tavayogi asks me to go into the inner sanctum of Agathiyar and sit. But as I knew my boundaries having been trained to respect the rules at the temples I sat on the trestle separating both spaces. Tavayogi threw me his shawl to sit on. That is when Agathiyar opened his left eye in his granite statue. Today I threw caution to the wind and broke the rule taking the sacred ash myself.
When I thought I had wasted two years sitting at home cut off from doing rituals and charity that we had become accustomed to Agathiyar said it did not go to waste. Later Mahin made me realize that I had dropped much including my hold on puja and charity and even dissolved the AVM family WhatsApp group in these two years. I then realized that it was not about accumulating goodies as in accumulating wealth and power in the material world but rather it was all about dropping our hold on things. Days ago when I lamented that nothing worked out Agathiyar told me not to think so. "நீ செய்த அனைத்தும் பயன் இல்லை என்று எண்ணி விடாதே" he said. He used the tree as a metaphor to illustrate the matter. But I did not understand even then. It needed Mahin to explain the wisdom behind his words. Mahin told me just as the roots appear first and grow into the soil before we see the twigs sprout and grow into branches, the results of the efforts we placed might not be visible initially but as Agathiyar said many subtle changes have already taken root in us. It is a matter of time that it becomes visible and obvious to us. It is a matter of time we see the flowers bloom and give out the scent. Supramania Swami too told me none of our efforts is wasted. Agathiyar also said that we shall need deep roots to support the numerous branches and give shade to those who come seeking its shade. I guess he was speaking about the need for the guru lineage to back up and speed up our evolvement. Hence he has asked me to go over to Kallar.
When I tell him it's a struggle going within with so many disturbances and obstructions he asks me "As it is meant for you so why is it a struggle?" I guess he meant that there should be no struggle as evolution is a birthright and it shall be achieved or attained if we work towards it. Each Atma that came forth from the Paramatma shall find its way back in good time. Meanwhile, we shall have to play several roles fulfilling the purpose taken, learning, and experiencing along the way.