Mrs Kogie Pillai wrote, "Aiya, Krishnamurthi's piece you shared in the last post is so profound...I hope it hits the spot with at least 10 people out there."
I would like to thank all readers for reading this blog. These are musings of a seeker still very much confused about many things, but attempting to fathom the truth that has been veiled by time and space. I feel we must share what we have learned with others, for not everybody can be present to hear them out at a particular forum, or might own a particular title or book, or might have heard from an original source.
Right from day one, Agathiyar has been showering gifts on me. The day I came to him for a reading of the Nadi in 2002, he handed me his painting and a long list of names of Siddhas to be used in my home puja. At the end of the reading, he handed me a leaflet carrying my would-be guru's name, known back then in 2002 as Thaiveedu Thangarasan, without giving any hint or clue that I shall meet him in person, though he hinted that I shall meet my guru after I complete my Parikaram and pilgrimage to India. The following year, he brought me before my very first guru, Supramania Swami, on the pretext of charting the horoscope for my second daughter, after I finished my last leg of my maiden pilgrimage to India. I did not realize he was the guru Agathiyar had mentioned in the Nadi until after bidding farewell and traveling back to my hotel. I was not aware back then that Swami would pass over all the merits of his forty years of Tapas and austerities before he passed away in 2007. Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal, the name on the leaflet I received in 2002, came along in 2005 and later in 2007 passed me what Agathiyar calls a heritage in the form of a set of Yoga exercises, Asanas, and Pranayama. Taking it up, I saw an immense surge of Prana come within. Unknowing to me, I began to go through an internal transformation that gradually took place, and erupted in bodily pains and discomfort in stages and phases in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2016, 2018, 2022, and again currently. Just as in the movie "Twister," we hear the following: "You don't face your fears, you ride them", Agathiyar also taught me to endure the bodily pains and ride the fear that was attached to it, all a result of and that came with the internal transformation. Giving me a taste of death in 2022, he asked that I do not fear it, for he comforted me, saying it was yet another door to another journey.
Coming to me in the form of a statue in 2010, he walked in me as my soul resided momentarily in his statue, giving counsel and healing others. As I wanted nothing to do with this any further, he immediately stopped it. Later, asking me where I would go and to whom I would turn if I were faced with troubles, he made me realize the need for me to listen to others and give him access and room to do his thing.
Giving me the privilege to build his temple in 2002 and that of Lord Muruga in 2018, when I did not pursue it after my initial move to do so, only met with disappointment, finally, in 2019, he told me that he had tested me. When many sought out to own the Nadi, I refused his gift.
Seeing that holding public office comes with its problems, and being the head of a movement ashram or a guru, for that matter, has its trying moments too, I shied away from undertaking such roles. Sending many to attend my home puja and embarking later on doing charity on a large scale, having played them out, when cornered, he had me bring the shutters down after six years. I was blessed that I was able to let them go. I am glad I did, for I am truly free these days.
Then he offered to make me a guru, which he immediately reversed and indicated that he would make me something else. What has he in store for me, I wonder? What if I were to be given the position to rule Indralokham just as he had given Thondar Adi Podi Azhwar? But Azhwar refused to take up this position, preferring to take in his beauty here. He sang that, "I shall not desire, even if offered, the position of the ruler of Indralokham, in place of enjoying the sight of you here, Oh lord who dwells here in Srirangam."
பச்சைமா மலைபோல் மேனி பவளவாய் கமலச் செங்கண்
அச்சுதா. அமர ரேறே. ஆயர்தம் கொழுந்தே. என்னும்,
இச்சுவை தவிர யான்போய் இந்திர லோக மாளும்,
அச்சுவை பெறினும் வேண்டேன் அரங்கமா நகரு ளானே
(Source: https://periscope-narada.blogspot.com/2016/01/pachchai-mamalai-pol-meni.html)
Just as the saints saw Siddhantham and Vedantham as two eyes and visions to attain sainthood, seeing God in the external helps keep our ego in check, knowing that there is a higher authority. On the contrary, knowing that we are God and Buddha might corrupt our very being, which has seen so much effort on our part and work done on us by the Siddhas over the years. The Siddhas are like what Simon and Garfunkel wrote, the "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", where we can safely trust them to be the bridge and walk along with us and help us walk across if only we let down our ego and seek their guidance and follow.
Every minute is a step towards death. We fail to realize that birthdays invite death closer. Say, if you are given just days to live, would you spend the rest of these days with your loved one, seeing to the needs of others, or live your lives fully, fulfilling the remaining desires? The future is bleak for many. Just speaking to them for a minute or so, their darkness begins to envelope us, too. But for some others, life is a gift to enjoy. Which would you choose? The choice is ours. There is no right or wrong.
When Agathiyar gave, what seemed, over time, like broken promises for some, as the predictions had not taken place or had yet to happen, I voiced out this concern, not wanting Agathiyar to turn out a liar, while talking to my wife. She asked me whether he had mentioned a specific date or given a time frame when it would happen. Her question did make sense. No. Indeed, he never mentioned that, but only pointed out the possibility or fact. It could be now or in the way in the future, or it might be in another birth.
When I was cornered to ask for something too, when many others and I sat before him, putting on my thinking cap in desperation for an answer as he was waiting, I asked to be born again and again and serve him as I did now. I learned that apparently that was not what one should desire, as he asked me further if that was what I wanted. Later, I figured out that I should be asking for Gnanam, which was harped on by Tavayogi often. Agathiyar, on his next visit, said it was not gifted, but I had to earn it by traveling the Chakras.
Then he surprises me by telling me he will make me a Siddha. So when Agathiyar says he will make me a Siddha, it might not happen overnight. It might take many more years or most likely be in a future birth. Like always, I have not given it much importance nor held any expectations for then we shall become frustrated. I shall do what needs to be done now and not eye the results or the final destination, as I had written earlier, anything can happen between now and then.
Just as he had wiped the slate clean several times, beginning with clearing all my readings and bookish knowledge, he had me clear my belongings and possessions, like the precious stones and Rasamani I had worn on me. He had me let go of my hold on the society, and the position that came with the coming of devotees who were sent by him, to my home, and he had me dissolve the group after six years. He had me let go of even his idol, and wants me to eventually let him go too. Days ago, he erased all the memories captured on all forms of media, the books, the audio and videos, recordings of the Nadi readings, and whenever he came through other devotees, and many more that I had stored in an external hard disk. I only have those as memories now, which might fade away too, as my memory fails eventually. I guess he wants me to live in the moment, in the present.
Though I am in society and with the family, he has cut me off internally these days. I am just existing. Nothing further needs to be done, perfected, or achieved. It is like coming home. It is a homecoming to the times before Lord Nadaraja opened his eyes, moved his feet to dance, and spoke. It is akin to stepping into the period and phase of inactivity and silence.
It is not proper for me to expect others, with many other matters suffocating them and asking for their attention and action, to give equal attention and time to reflecting on the past. I, being a pensioner, have all the time to sit alone with such thoughts, whiling away these moments doing nothing.