Just days ago, I was listening to Tom Jones sing "What good am I?", a song that I had listened to numerous times that came highly recommended by Harley Lovegrove, Founding Director of Pearl Acoustics Ltd, as a piece among nine others to access a Hi-Fi system, one that I was putting together "again", after a neighbour passed me his tower speakers after opting to go for a new sound bar. But this time, I guess after setting up the system and listening to the sound that emerged, I had finally sat down to listen to the lyrics.
What good am I - if I'm like all the restIf I just turn away - when I see how you're dressedIf I shut myself off - so I can't hear you cryWhat good am I?What good am I - if I know and don't doIf I see and don't say - if I look straight through youIf I turn a deaf ear - to the thundering skyWhat good am I?What good am I - while you softly weepAnd I hear in my head - what you say in your sleepAnd I freeze in the moment - like the rest who don't tryWhat good am I?What good am I?What good am I then - to others and meIf I've had every chance - and yet still fail to seeWith my hands tied must I - not wonder withinWho tied them and why - and where must I have been?What good am I if I say foolish thingsAnd I laugh in the face - of what sorrow bringsAnd I just turn my back - while you silently dieWhat good am I?What good am I?What good am I?
(Source: https://genius.com/Tom-jones-what-good-am-i-lyrics)
It blew me away. I was moved to question whether I should act or otherwise refrain from interfering in others' matters as Agathiyar has asked me to lay low and mind my business, doing nothing, except to pen the thoughts that come by in this blog. The song reminded me that we would not have Mother Teresa if she had chosen to walk away from seeing the plight of the dying on the streets of Calcutta.
I guess just to test me, Agathiyar, after a very long time, decided to send someone with troubles over to my home, AVM, a couple of days ago. Though I had agreed to see them at my home, traveling the distance from my daughter's home to meet them at AVM, I still carried doubts about whether I had done the right thing. Speaking to Mahindren about my uncertainty whether to engage with others' problems or step aside and let them deal with them and their fate, Agathiyar came later and questioned me why I was reasoning out and withholding my actions. Agathiyar reminded me again that there was no right and wrong. He told me that it would be yet another experience to take note of and learn a lesson in this journey of my life, and add to my biography. He actually wanted me to drop my doubts and fear about accepting to receive this family. This lady called me from an unknown number and spoke about her grief, although she had submitted to Agathiyar all these years and had been to many temples and centers seeking relief. What was mysterious to me was how she got hold of my number. She told me she got it from a friend and another friend of his, and surprisingly, though, could not remember their names. In the years when strangers came around and stood at my door, Agathiyar had reminded me that these were people whom he had summoned before him and asked that I let them in and step aside and let him do his wonders, and to the rest of the family, he told them to just watch. When we thought that it was an inconvenience and intrusion on our family life and asked that Agathiyar stop this, he pulled the brakes for some time, only to give me a knock later asking me, "Where would I go in the event he shuts his ears?". I understood that he wanted me to see these people and listen to their stories, too. There was always a lesson for me to learn and share with my readers, too, after each visit. The lesson for this family, me and readers is not to undertake any practice without a guru's supervision.
The young girl in the family had picked up some breathing practice from watching a video on social media and was now living in an unknown state of fear and contemplating ending her life. Hearing this from her mother, who called me, and not wanting to carry the guilt and burden of denying or placing an obstacle that could bring on a treacherous ending, I immediately agreed to have them come over and offer their prayer to Agathiyar and Lobama, who are living in the statue or murthy in my home. As my mind raced to the event that was to unfold in my home later that evening, I asked that they purchase all that was needed to carry out a Homam and Abhisegam. They did as told, and we began lighting the sacred fire. Agathiyar came to ask them to place all the wishes, desires, and prayers that they carried into the burning flames and have it consume their agony and suffering for good. I could then understand why Tavayogi decided to carry out the "Sarva Dosa Nivarana Maha Yagam," which was the highlight of the Annual Jayanthi and Guru Puja for Agathiyar at Kallar. He would allow devotees to sit at these fire pits and light and maintain the flames as he lit and cared for the main fire pit.
When a man was wrongly accused of trafficking drugs when the car he unknowingly lent out to his friends who were pushers was stopped at a roadblock here, and his friends were apprehended, his wife called Mataji of Kallar ashram for some divine help. Mataji asked her to come over to their Kallar ashram in India and light a Yagam. She did, and her husband was eventually freed. When a government servant was suspended from work while a departmental investigation was going on, this time around, as his travel documents were confiscated too, Mataji told them to come over to AVM and perform a Homam. They did, and he returned to work. A friend and devotee from Bangalore finally tied the knot after numerous hurdles, after lighting the Yagam at Kallar. I realized then the impact of the Yagam or its smaller version, the Homam, had on mending ties, clearing blockages, and providing the desired results. I began to compile facts about the Yagam and Homam and published them online.
When Tavayogi over the phone told me to start the Homam in my home to coincide with the Annual Jayanthi prayers at Kallar, I was reluctant initially, though I followed his dictate. Agathiyar came later in a Nadi reading and told me that it was not for my personal gains or need of the day, but for the good of the Prapanjam. When the pandemic broke and was spiking, Lord Siva, coming through Mahindren in his meditation, told us to conduct a Homam to assist Prapanjam in her fight to regain a balance. Fearing a revival of the dreaded virus, Mother Prapanjam herself came through another devotee and asked us to carry out the Homam.
Having me walk this journey with my gurus and showing his presence at every moment, Agathiyar soon wound up all our charity and activities, including puja at AVM, and while he had the others go their way, he had me go within. This phase was lonely, quiet, and scary at times.
Fr Paul Murray, OP writes about Mother Teresa at https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/graced--bewilderment-the-dark-night-of-blessed-teresa-of-calcutta-5423
"She could exclaim in a letter written once to a priest: "If I ever become a saint — I will surely be one of 'darkness'". This darkness was not an experience of depression or despair. Rather, it was the shadow cast in her soul by the overwhelming light of God's presence: God utterly present and yet utterly hidden. His intimate, purifying love, experienced as a devastating absence and even, on occasion, as a complete abandonment. On 17 May 1964, she described the state of her soul with these astonishing words: "To be in love and yet not to love, to live by faith and yet not to believe. To spend myself and yet be in total darkness".
I can feel these moments in me, too. Though his materialization through others became scarce, he would come when needed. It had been a while since Agathiyar came through the Nadi or others, justifying, or rather asking why he should when he was in us all, all the time. But just as a child wants to see her parents, we yearned for his physical presence and to hear him speak. Since birth, as we have been trained to see god outside in the form of images, it was rather difficult to let go of this attachment to the physical and gross, although he had umpteen times told us to go within and seek him in the inner chamber of our hearts.
After attending to the family, he turned to me and asked if I had come to know Maya and the disillusionment. Answering my question as to the means of rising above this veil in a recent post, he pointed out that it was only in "Atma Vichara" that one could come out of this state. I understood that he pointed us to the teachings of Bhagawan Ramana.
Agathiyar gave me an assurance that this blog and its contents were closely monitored by him when he told the girl he helped heal to read this blog right from the very first post.