The ambitious and the contented, the adventurous and the homely, the one who takes risks and the other who feels safe where he or she is. These are the categories of people we often come across. Where do I fit in? Well, for a start, I wasn't ambitious. But the divine provided for me and my siblings, giving us parents who cared for us, well, and gave us schooling; to the government that gave me scholarships at primary, secondary, and college, and gave me a job. If the divine made my home, showing me my wife and gave me two wonderful daughters and three grandchildren, he gave me and my family a home that practically fell into my lap. Today, at 66 years of age, I am pretty content living on my pension. If my material needs were well taken care of, when I ventured to come to the Siddha path, I had to learn many lessons, from the experiences that came my way, from his well-executed play or lila, at times the hard way. For one who had no ambition in life, the divine gave me a purpose and tasks, or rather, numerous. I realized that I was soon doing his will rather than mine. And it came easily to me, for I was an empty vessel for him to work on. Today, he has taken over my home, telling me that it was his temple. Today, he has taken over my body, breath, and soul, telling me that we are one.
I am neither adventurous. Except for an occasional walk in the woods and my regular walks in the park, I prefer to take in the sights and sounds from well-made documentaries and listening to good music and songs on my 5.1 sound system. For one who was not the least adventurous, the divine had me make my maiden pilgrimage to India in 2003, after 47 years of roaming only the known and familiar streets. He had Tavayogi personally take me to the caves, jungles, temples, and other holy spots when I left for India again in 2005, after Agathiyar asked me to spend several days with him.
As for taking risks, I would definitely stay away and instead walk the known path. For such a one as me, I guess the divine decided otherwise. I have several bombshells dropped on me on this journey of learning about endurance, patience, discipline, and surrender. When Agathiyar asked me to build a temple for him in my very first Nadi reading in 2002, which I came to read at 43 years of age, I was elated, thinking I was special to be given such a noble task. However, the 24-year-old Sivabalan, who had brought the Nadi readers and housed them following the tradition of his father and uncle before him, dealt me my first blow when he told me not to get excited, as Agathiyar had mentioned this to fifty others before me. Although my excitement died off that instant, I did try as Sivabalan had asked me to, since none of the fifty undertook it, he said. However, since I received no clearance from several existing temple committees, I dropped my efforts.
Encouraged to meet Thavathiru Rengarajah Desigar of Ongarakudil by his followers in Dengkil, Malaysia, as I made preparations to go on my maiden pilgrimage to India, less than a year after my first Nadi reading, as I sat before him one-to-one with only the manager Mr Nadarajah and my chauffeur Deva with me, the second blow came when he refused to bless me, telling me that stepping onto the grounds itself was a blessing. I left the premises saddened, confused, and angry. But only after many years did it dawn on me that in the wake of me, destined to meet my very first guru, Supramania Swami, the very next day at Tiruvannamalai, the former did not lay a hand on me.
When Tavayogi stepped onto our soil in 2005, seeing him take up invitations from others, I invited him over to my home. I never had a holy man come over to my home. So you can imagine my excitement, right? Now came the third blow. As I accompanied him in sending him off, I thanked him from my heart for gracing my home. He turned to me and said that I was living in Maya and that he was a nobody and that there was nothing hidden within the holy garb he adorned. He told me to take hold of Agathiyar's feet instead. I was stunned, or rather stung. It was painful, and I remained silent the rest of the journey. But I am grateful that he said those words, for it is because he came down on me strongly that I have come to hold on to Agathiyar till this day.
When Supramania Swami told me he wanted to build a temple for Lord Murugan in his village, Nachanandhal, some 8 kilometers out of Tiruvanamalai town, I jumped on the wagon, telling myself it did not matter who did it; I saw an opportunity to fulfill Agathiyar's wish in my Nadi. But a stranger came along as Swami sat in the new kudil built in 2005, ahead and in advance of the planned temple on a piece of land, not in his village but now much closer to his guru Yogi Ramsuratkumar's Samadhi temple and the Holy Hill. He asked Swami why he was taking a step behind going from Gnanam to Bakthi? Swami dropped his 40-year-old desire there and then and informed me shortly through an STD call that we should leave things as it is.
When Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal wanted to build a new ashram and temple some 2 kilometers away from the old spot in 2016, I chipped in, thinking that the task was settled for good now. But it was not to be, for in 2018, Lord Murugan, in a Nadi reading, asked for one too, telling me that he would provide for the land, finance, and people too. I just had to show him differently? How was that to be? But as the excitement and fire had died down in me over the years, and since I never moved, he sent Agathiyar to coax me. As I remained silent before him, he told me that he would see it through in 18 months. When the time was up and nothing materialized, he told me that they had tested me. Instead, they acknowledged that my home had become a temple instead. For one who stayed away from taking risks, he had me do things that he willed that were seen as a revolt and reform to many. Indeed, in breaking away from the norm and doing things differently, taking a huge risk, we have shown him differently, just as he told us.
For one who shied away from the public, the divine pushed me to face the crowd. Agathiyar came to grace my home shortly after in 2010 through a bronze statue made in the image of his granite statue at Agasthiyampalli. A following started as he sent several youths over to my home, which took on the name Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM). In the wake of the pandemic in 2019, he had me dissolve the group that grew out of the coming together of these youths to participate in my home puja and later branching out into their homes and temples, carrying out charity at orphanages, old folks homes, homes of the unfortunate and poor, and those in the streets too. He brought an end to all rituals and gatherings, too, asking me to go within henceforth. He had me part with his bronze statue after the lockdown was lifted on the pretext of wanting to visit his devotees' homes, only to return to AVM later, again testing if I was going to hold on to him in this image and form, or willing to let go and begin to see him as the Prapanjam, for he said that in the absence of the statue, Prapanjam shall fill my home. Soon Agathiyar and Ramalinga Adigal began to speak about the Prapanjam, with the former telling us that he was the Prapanjam and the latter assisting us to get connected with her. Soon, I could connect to her. She showered her blessings, grace, and material gains, too, as I began to heed Agathiyar's directive and let go. Finally, hugging me, he whispered in my ear that I had to even let him go, asking, "For how else could we be one"? That was the final blow, but it made sense. He was bringing me from Dvaita to Advaita, from duality to singleness or Yegan, from being a separate JeevAtma to becoming one with the ParamAtma. Soon, we began to see the workings of Prapanjam in our daily lives. We saw her hand in everything. She was governing every moment. She was planning and executing everything.
For instance, when a friend and parent who was doing much for the school, the temple, and society, whom I met at my granddaughter's school, over the weekend, told me he had approached the temple adjacent to the school for permission to use their grounds for activities that he was planning to carry out for the children. He asked me to help out. I agreed. I told him that I shall rope in all the ex-AVM family members residing nearby. At that moment, as we stood under the shade of a tree away from the blaze of the midmorning sun, Lord Muruga came and gave us his blessings, directing him to go ahead, and he shall see to it that it all falls into place. That evening, dropping in on my fellow colleague and retiree now, he told me that he wanted to do something for these children. I told him that I was told the same by another person that same morning. He, too, agreed to come into the picture. It was amazing when I heard this and thanked Prapanjam for bringing like-minded minds together.
When Jnana Jothiamma used to communicate with me over Skype from the USA, beginning in 2011, Agathiyar was known to cut into our conversation, putting me on hold while he spoke to her. It amazed both of us back then. So when Agathiyar, a couple of years back, asked all those gathered what they desired and came around to me, I was stunned. He knew I had no desires, right? But yet, he waited on me. Though I drove my tiny mind to its maximum, trying to think of something as time was running out, nothing came up. Finally, I told him that I wanted to take birth upon births and serve him as I did now. As usual, he answered me with another question, asking if that was what I wanted. Later, speaking to Mahindren over the phone, I told him maybe I should have asked for Gnanam, that Tavayogi always harps on. Agathiyar comes later and tells me that I had wished for Gnanam! Was he eavesdropping on our conversation too, just as he did back in the past when I was on Skype with Jnana Jothiamma?
After journeying with the divine, taking up the call to come to the worship of the Siddhas in a Nadi reading in 2002, the divine came to me in the commonly known form as depicted in paintings, and the name Agathiyar. Soon, in 2010, he came as a replica of his granite statue at Agasthiyampalli. Then he tells me to even forego his statue, form, and name, telling me that he is the Prapanjam. Finally, he drops the bombshell, asking me to even forget him, for how else could we become one, he asks.