Just as the pain that I endured in my lower back, back in those days for some 2 1/2 years woke me up from my sleep, the unfounded fear that I am having these days, woke me up some moments ago from my sleep. Nothing I did to bring calm over me worked. I am wide awake. It is now 1.46am. I decided to write this post. Going by what has been taking place since the day I traveled this path, I realize that I was being prepared for something that I cannot exactly pinpoint as yet. All I have is guesses. Just as the many songs of the Siddhas and saints and all that Tavayogi told in passing and Agathiyar came to reveal make sense only now, I guess I have to go back to their writings and songs to understand what is taking place in me. After having me come to the path and carry out puja through a Nadi reading in 2002, after having me carry out puja and charity with others beginning in 2013, after bringing the shutters down on all these activities in 2019, after having confined me to his prayer room and observing several practices, I had a similar fear come on three instances. Nothing I did alienate the fear. It only settled after I entered our bedroom and hugged my wife. There were instances where I would have Agathiyar (his statue) sit with me and keep me company when no one was around. This time around I am alone again as Agathiyar executed a plan to have my wife stay away for several months caring for her aged parents. Who could I hug? I picked up the statue of Lobama and hugged her. Is this madness? I did ask Agathiyar if all this would lead to that state exactly. His reply was not comforting. My guru Supramania Swami was out in the streets almost naked at the height of his transformation into a Gnani. He would pick a handful of soil that would turn into sacred ash. Eventually, a lady (the divine) fed him a morsel of food that brought him to his senses. He returned to his family. Am I heading toward this state too? Only Agathiyar has the answers.
