Holding Agathiyar's hands and walking with him, for the past 23 years, or so I thought, I have come to realize and understand that everything was and is his doing, good or bad. Looking back now, I fully understand that he was in charge from day one. No wonder he told me some time back that we have known each other for several crores of years. So what is mine to claim then? What is mine to take credit for? The very breath is his. The soul, the JeevAtma, is his, a part of the ParamAtma. If he brought together my parents, my parents provided for the body, where elements from both my parents in specific proportions came together to become an embryo, fetus, and me. I submit to him and his will. A peace sets in when we arrive there. A completeness envelops us. Bliss overpowers us. Nature and Prapanjam take us into their arms, providing for us and our safety. We are in good hands. When Tavayogi told me to hold to Agathiyar and not him, he had handed me in marriage to the divine. I am betrothed to Agathiyar. I am his obedient servant. But recently, he indicated that he does not want us to serve him forever, but wants us to become one, from being Siva Sakthi to becoming Yegan. For that to happen, he wants me to even let go of him, so that the individual identity shall dissolve, and as in osmosis, we merge, becoming one.
As Agathiyar told me, when the energy arose, that there was nothing further to do and that she would do her work, so what is there further to do, unless he moves us to do a thing? We simply become the Watcher he wants us to be, telling me to watch, bear the pain and discomfort, comparing it to bliss, too, and when dealing with the outside world, to laugh it off. Now that we have arrived there, I understand why yogis are either stark naked or clad only in a loincloth, sit under a tree, and hardly talk. Some behave like madmen. And I also understand the downside of these energies, where sexual energy and ego peaks, prompting some to fall from grace.