We just seem to fall for it, expecting things all life long and then getting attached to them for good, both in the material and spiritual world. First, we look towards achieving high marks and good results that pave the way for a seat in a good institution of learning that promises a good job and career. Then we fall for a girl or vice versa and make all efforts to attain her or him. Then we expect children of our own. Then all our expectations turn towards seeing the children do well, get married, and have children too. It goes on and on in a cycle.
Coming to the spiritual path, we have lots of expectations and begin to get attached again. When most come looking for salvation or Mukti, I had no expectations, for I knew not what to expect of the worship of the Siddhas after taking up the call in the Nadi. I was blank and empty for Lord Siva had me undergo a period of approximately 14 years, in which he cleared the stockpile of traditional, customary, and religious knowledge that I had acquired earlier. In filling me in again beginning in 2002 with their teachings, giving me rituals and practices, they had me shed even these after some time in 2019. Supramania Swami, Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal, and Agathiyar ensured that I did not become attached to the fruits of devotion that came my way, too.
The remedies that Agathiyar gave me in the Nadi were one-off. Agathiyar never revisited them again. The rituals that both Tavayogi and Agathiyar gave, put into practice and having reaped their benefits, were dropped too. At the height of it all, I had the liberty and freedom to experiment and add or drop methods, practices, and rituals. Both Tavayogi and Agathiyar let me be myself, not imposing on me anything at all. Whatever they told me to do came with an explanation and reason. They justified why I had to do them, never insisting that I do. Most of the time, they endorsed all that I did. Soon they came to bring on changes to these too by taking over and running the show. I stood back, watched, and learned. There was never a class held, but instead they showed me by practical means. I learned from the best mentors. Though they are irrelevant in the current phase, I am told that I could take them up if and when necessary. It was no longer a regime. The Yogic practices that Tavayogi, Agathiyar, and the Siddhas gave were no longer a regimen too. I could take them up if necessary.
Though right from the start, what appeared as rejection and what appeared as having been chased away, and was hurting, soon dawned on me as a right move taken by the gurus towards moulding me. Right from the start when Tavayogi, after visiting my home for the first time, shot me down, telling me that I was living in Maya, for thinking that Tavayogi was someone extraordinary and special, as I thanked him for his visit to and many more instances where he broke me to when Rengaraja Desigar told me that coming to Ongarakudil itself was a blessing, when all I asked was him to bless me, making me ask myself if I was not fit to be before him, I was prttey hurt. But I came to read later that I was not alone. Yogi Ramsuratkumar had met rejection from Ramdas several times, which had Suratkumar address himself as the "Beggar", before Ramdas took him in.
In 1947, with a burning desire to realize his innate divinity, Suratkumar set off in search of a master. The search for his spiritual father brought him first to Sri Aurobindo and later to Ramana. Truman Caylor Wadlington, in his book YOGI RAMSURATKUMAR - THE GODCHILD OF TIRUVANNAMALAI, writes that after spending three days with Ramana, he moved on to Swami Ramdas. Truman Caylor Wadlington writes, “However, unlike his meetings with Ramana and Aurobindo, he felt no attraction to Ramdas.” Suratkumar could not bring himself to accept Ramdas’s life of luxury. He returned to his home in Kashi.
Suratkumar visited Ramdas repeatedly, but he felt the same way towards Ramdas each time he was with Ramdas. Even after several earlier visits to Ramdas, Ramdas did not inspire Suratkumar. When Suratkumar finally accepted and surrendered to Ramdas, surprisingly, Ramdas was not willing and did not receive him well.
S. Parthasarathy writes on this in his book, BIOGRAPHY OF YOGI RAMSURATKUMAR - THE GODCHILD OF TIRUVANNAMALAI (AMARAKAVIYAM).
Systematically, Swami Ramdas and Mataji Krishnabai made Ram Surat Kunwar behave like a mad man and made the world believe that he had become mad. They drove him out of the ashram forcibly so that he would remember them constantly. They used harsh language whenever he was before them among the crowd of the devotees. By doing so Swami Ramdas and Mataji Krishnabai removed his ego totally. But it took a very long time. In the process, the pain, the sufferings he experienced were acute.
Ram Surat Kunwar again asked Swami Ramdas to allow him and his family to live in the ashram. He said,
“Papa, I have come here with the great faith that you would allow me with my family to live here. I am not able to work anywhere since the initiation. If you drive me away, where shall I go and how can I live?”
Papa vehemently answered,
“Go and beg. You cannot live in the ashram. There are enough people in the ashram to work. Remember, under a big tree, another big tree cannot grow. Only thorny bushes and grass alone will grow.”
Ram Surat Kunwar shocked on listening to the words of his Master exclaimed,
“Papa, should I beg for my food? Am I a beggar, Papa?”
Papa, without answering, went inside. From that day Ram Surat Kunwar called himself a beggar. His Guru, His Master, His God asked him to beg and so he became a “beggar.”
The Yogi has this to say about his guru, once he came to a realization as to why it all took place the way it did.
"Papa (Ramdas) did not allow this beggar to understand Him. The time was not ripe. This beggar had to wait till Papa Himself revealed His Divinity to this beggar, to make this beggar understand that Papa was his Father."
Just as Ramdas told Suratkumar, "Remember, under a big tree, another big tree cannot grow," Guhai Namasivayar, of Tiruvannamalai, too, drove his student Guru Namasivayar away after he saw his disciple excel in many ways. He was seen fit to be a guru too and was sent away to Chidambaram.
Taking on group Puja and charity and the numerous other tasks given, and receiving the goodies that came along with it, Agathiyar sensed that if left unchecked, we would have become addicted, hooked, and become "high" as my wife said, and intoxicated. He ended it all one day in 2019. And seeing miracles take place, we began to look forward to these moments when the divine came into our homes and performed them. Unknowingly, we began to fall for these and started to expect more moments of interaction with them by way of Nadi readings, visitations, and conversations with them. Just as Tavayogi asked why we needed the Nadi after having held to Agathiyar, Agathiyar asked why he had to continue to come through devotees, as we were one. But it was always wonderful and sweet to the ears to hear him speak through these mediums.
My daughter passed me a book just as she was leaving for work one morning in 2018. She saw several books that were placed in the giveaway section, "Take One", of the Australian International school library where she was working back then. She had identified three books to her liking, but as she was pretty busy with work could not pick them up earlier. When she eventually dropped by, she noticed only one of the three books was left. The other two had been taken up by others. So she picked the book that she had targeted earlier. She then happened to notice another. She thought I might like it. While browsing through, she came to page 155 of it and read it. When she passed the book to me, she pointed to the page and asked me to read it too. I cried reading it, for Bhagawan Ramana had answered the same.
The book was "Wake Up and Roar" - Satsang with HWL Poonja, Volume 1, published by Papaji Satsang Bhavan, Lucknow. That particular page carried the story of one Harilal's experience with the divine. Harilal was sitting on the verandah of his father's home in Punjab near Peshawar when a sadhu appeared. Harilal invited him to have a seat while a meal was being prepared. Then Harilal told the sadhu about how he had left the army in search of fulfilling his desire to see God. He explained that he was doing all the rituals and prayers needed to receive their grace and darshan. He had sought the means and ways to fulfill his desire from all the mahatmas he had met, but it was all in vain, as no one could help. Neither could all his spiritual efforts bring him to have Sri Krishna's darshan. Harilal asked the sadhu if he knew of anyone who could reveal the secret of receiving Sri Krishna's darshan. The sadhu replied in affirmation and mentioned that Ramana could fulfill his long-standing yearning and desire. Harilal followed as told. Harilal found himself at Bhagawan Ramana's ashram in Tiruvannamalai some days later. He was in for a surprise, for there sat the sadhu who had knocked on his door earlier. He found the Maharshi seated on his couch. He bowed to him and took a seat. After an hour, he left the hall and prepared to leave the ashram grounds when someone stopped him from leaving, inquiring about the reason for him to make a quick exit. Harilal explains that he had seen Bhagavan at his father's home two weeks ago. He went on to explain to him what had transpired earlier between them. Now, rather angry, he questioned the need for the sadhu to have him travel some three thousand kilometers from his parents' home only to have Bhagawan sit, all oblivious to what was happening around him. Harilal was sore too that Bhagavan was indifferent to him, not recognizing him. Harilal questioned if, indeed, Bhagavan was really able to make him see Sri Krishna, he could have shown Sri Krishna back at his village home. He complained further that Ramana neither wore a tulasi rosary nor did rosary prayer. He hardly murmured the names of Sri Krishna or Radha.
The stranger who stopped Harilal was taken aback and replied that Sri Ramana never left the ashram nor the town in all his forty-odd years after arriving from Madurai. The stranger persuaded him to stay. Harilal spent several days at the ashram before leaving for Madras. He made fortnightly trips back to the ashram.
One day Ramana materialized again, this time in Harilal's puja room in Madras. Ramana whispered a mantra in his ears, asking him to use it. Harilal began to recite the mantra. Wanting to clear his doubt, during his following visit, he asked Ramana if he was the one who appeared at his puja room. The Maharishi replied with an indistinct "hmmm-hmmm." Harilal questioned him if he should go on using the mantra, to which Bhagavan replied, "If your heart tells you to." Harilal took to repeating the mantra continuously till a miracle eventually took place. Bhagavan Sri Krishna appeared in front of him as a lad of about fifteen, whose beauty he could hardly describe. Finally, his desire had come true. Harilal's soul experienced great joy such as he had never, never felt before.
On his next visit to Ramana, Harilal prostrated before Bhagavan. He excitedly mentions that he had seen Sri Krishna in the flesh again. But Ramana coolly replied,
"Oh, so Krishna came then?"
Harilal answered in affirmation, to which Ramana said,
"Then he went away?"
When Harilal affirms again, Ramana simply answers,
"Oh, oh!" without any excitement or reaction to the news.
During another moment in prayer, Harilal saw both Sri Rama and Lakshmana. He returned to Bhagawan for an answer, having been disturbed by the vision of Rama and Lakshmana rather than his idol Krishna and Radha. Ramana simply answered,
"Krishna came to visit you and then went away. Rama has done the same. Why are you concerned with gods who come and go? Don't you see, Japa, Mantras, Puja, prayer, and rituals are all excellent up to a certain point. But the time comes when all that has to be left aside. You have to take a leap into the beyond... "
"In the beyond, you find the real only. When everything has been left behind, Devas, along with everything else, can you find the vision which has no beginning and no ending, the vision of being, of the self."
After hearing Ramana speak, Harilal dropped all his desires.
Just as Bhagawan told Harilal, "Krishna came to visit you and then went away. Rama has done the same. Why are you concerned with gods who come and go?", this was what Tavayogi too mentioned to me when I stated my desire to see Agathiyar and Ramalinga Adigal.
Tavayogi answered me with another question.
"They will appear, son, no doubt about it. But is that what you really want?"
Just as he told, they shall come, we at AVM have had a constant flow of divine visitors and visitations since then.
Just as Bhagawan told Harilal further, "Don't you see, Japa, Mantras, Puja, prayer, and rituals are all excellent up to a certain point. But the time comes when all that has to be left aside. You have to take a leap into the beyond... in the beyond, you find the real only. When everything has been left behind, Devas, along with everything else, can you find the vision which has no beginning and no ending, the vision of being, of the self?" Tavayogi had me drop my attachment to him even before it could germinate. Agathiyar had me drop my attachment to the following that arose after he sent youths to my home. He had us drop Puja and charity, too, when my wife began to realize that we were getting "high" carrying it out. He had us set aside all of this just as Ramana says. He had me go within and observe the breath while he set free all the others to take up the tools and methods and carry out Puja and Charity in their homes, amidst their family and friends. Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM) came to a close.
Harilal then saw the vision told of by Bhagawan Ramana. He had desired to see God. God had finally revealed himself not somewhere else but so close to him that from that moment on it was impossible to see him and address him as "thou". The light was now shining in his own deepest self. Agathiyar too had me let go of him, asking how else we could become one. He then brings me to where Bhagawan brought Harilal. Agathiyar asked me to know the "Self" or Atma. Agathiyar, in the words of Bhagawan, had me take the leap into the beyond to find the real Self. He has asked me to know Sivam now.
Similarly, just as Bhagawan Ramana had addressed Sadhu Om, Bhagawan Ramana seems to have addressed my concern, too. When Sadhu Om entered the dining hall and saw that Bhagavan was eating there, he sat in front of him and started eating. When Bhagavan finished his breakfast, he got up from the seat. Seeing this, Sadhu Om also got up, as a mark of respect, although he had not finished eating. Bhagavan looked at Sadhu Om and said, Vandha Velaiyaip Paar (Look after the business for which you have come). Sadhu Om then sat down, but since he had gotten up while eating, he was reluctant to continue eating. Bhagavan, after washing his hands, was walking alongside the dining hall. Seeing that Sadhu Om was reluctant to eat, he repeated the words, Vandha Velaiyaip Paar. Hearing these words, Sadhu Om started eating again. As Bhagavan went near the entrance and was about to pass over the threshold, Sadhu Om turned back and looked at Bhagavan. Bhagavan also looked at Sadhu Om and uttered the same words, Vandha Velaiyaip Paar, for the third time in succession. After three occasions, where Bhagawan reminded Sadhu Om to do what he came for, I too have come to accept the reality and fact of the matter, and shall just do what I came to do and nothing more.
Through his disciple Sadhu Om's songs, we come to terms with all things and happenings, the blessings and the knocks that we receive, accepting them as his doing.
I am grateful to my gurus for having faith in me and believing that I could deliver whatever they summoned me to do. I guess I had accomplished what I came to do. I guess I have delivered. I soon learned to let go, too. Today I am empty and void and at peace. I carry no desires. I have made peace with myself. They also do not desire me to do anything further. The score is settled. I have made a pact with them. I am free. No expectations and no attachments, no strings attached.