FEAR

I believe Tavayogi's earlier ashram at Kallar Thuri Palam did not come by accident. Agathiyar had Tavayogi drop his desire to go into Samadhi and have him go in search of a place that Agathiyar called Agathiyar Vanam, and put up an ashram. It was to become the Agathiyar Gnana Peedham and Thirukovil. I was captivated by the arrangement or zoning of the four phases of Sariyai, Kriyai, Yogam, and Gnanam spoken of here. I wonder if it was intentionally done or came about by accident. Tavayogi had established these four stages outwardly as structures that serve these purposes. Upon arriving, we walk into Sariyai, where one comes upon the dining hall and its adjacent kitchen, where food is cooked and served to visitors to the ashram. Having satisfied our thirst and hunger, we are brought to Kriyai and the worship of the Siddhas, where the sacrificial fire is lit, and rituals are conducted. The visitor gets his first exposure to Siddha puja. Yoga lessons are carried out in the right wing of this sector of the ashram at Kallar. Taking a few steps, we walk into the heart of the ashram. We come to a place of quietude and serenity where a granite structure, the Aaru Aadhara Peedham, that depicts externally the six Adhara Kundalini Chakras that are within. On its summit is a lit lamp, the Jothi. 

Agathiyar said that since we have come to know him, we are to know the Atma and Sivam. There is a song that goes like "சித்தமெல்லாம் எனக்கு சிவமயமே" where the Sittam becomes Sivam. Tavayogi quotes Thirumular on when these happen to take place. 

Taking up and pursuing the practice of both Sariyai and Kriyai,
With pure grace, the path that arises from the pure state of Yogam, 

That when results in Gnanam, 

The Sittam shall hence become Shivam. 

பக்தன் கிரியை சரியை பயில்வுற்றுச்
சுத்த அருளால் துரிசற்ற யோகத்தில்
உய்த்த நெறியுற் றுணர்கின்ற ஞானத்தாற்
சித்தங் குருவரு ளாற்சிவ மாகுமே.

This was depicted at Kallar. What Tavayogi did and spoke is beginning to make sense only now as we travel the path he took. Before this, it was merely NEWS. Even when he told me the night after I arrived at his Kallar ashram for the very first time that Agathiyar had come, it was NEWS to me. Experience indeed teaches us to believe what was said and written. Until and unless we experience it is someone else's story. This is the reason, instead of holding classes, he took me to the ground, the path he had traveled, and the caves he had stayed in, so that I could get a taste of it. I wonder if another guru would bring us there. It was during this "outing" that I was shown miracles to convince me of their existence. After traveling for some 24 years, I have come to know about the Siddhaloka from Devi Ma's interview and from Swami Muktananda's experiences shared by Margaret Simpson in her book "A Perfect Life."

I had what I believe was my soul depart and look down on me, hovering close to the ceiling in our family home back then, as a kid, for several days in a row, and suddenly plunging back into my body. I did not know what or why it took place back then in the sixties. But as a kid, I did not have fear then. In fact, I enjoyed the rollercoaster ride back into the body and wanted more of it. It stopped. It was not a dream. I hardly dreamt, except there was a time when I did aggressive Puja, I had numerous dreams daily of Gods and Gurus. This too stopped. Then, some time back, I kept seeing my office mates in my dreams and interacted with them over several days. That has stopped now. For the past few days until last night, I seemed lost in my dream, trying to find my way back. But it is not another unknown world or Galaxy. It is right here on our earth. There is no one to ask for directions. I wake up with fright. 

It was not some place further down the track or road. I was desperately trying to find the way back to where I started from, as if looking to go back to the beginning. This reminded me of Tavayogi, who once autographed my copy of his book "Andamum Pindamum" for me, writing the following words: ஆண்டவன் உரைகின்ற இடம் தங்கள் உள்ளம். அதுவே பயணத்தின் தொடக்கமும் முடிவும், that when translated would mean, "God resides in your heart, that is the starting point of the journey, and the end too." 

I wonder what it could mean? Maybe it is a prelude to what was to take place later, for Lord Muruga, in a Nadi reading in 2018, told me that he would give me the experience of seeing other worlds while my physical body is left behind, after which I shall return within the body. 

Sharing with Mahindren this evening, when he dropped in on me, he suggested that I learn to accept that I am lost and be calm. Maybe the way would be shown or made known. Maybe if I drop my fear, I shall see the path clearly. I guess they are working on my fear now, after having worked on my anger and tolerance level in the past. 

Agathiyar had already consoled me about facing death earlier when an unknown fear used to come on as I was left alone and by myself. I had a taste, or rather felt what it was to die and lie as a log, in 2022. Only my head and the five senses functioned then. The rest of my torso, from my shoulders down, lay as a log without life. 

Death is another doorway to another journey said Agathiyar. One who faces death boldly is indeed a Siddha, he said. 

"மரணம் ஒன்றும் அல்ல. மற்றொரு பயணத்தின் கதவு. மரணபயம் வேண்டாம். எவன்  ஒருவன் மரணத்தை அன்போடு வரவேற்கின்றானோ அவன் சித்தன் ஆகின்றான்."

Srinatha Raghavan posted the following enlightening conversation on Fb some time back.

• "In Banares, I happened to meet a young Aghori, or a Tantrik, on the ghats of Manikarnika. As I was just staring into the pyre of death, He came and sat beside me and struck up a seamless conversation.
• He: Death is as temporary as Life?
• Me: Yes.
• He: Do you know why Death (Yama) & Time (Kala) are so feared?
• Me: No.
• He: Because they are least understood?
• Me: True. How to understand Death?
• He: By experiencing it, even when alive.
• Me: And how do we do that?
• He: Under the guidance of a Guru, you can experience Death.
• Me: What is Death?
• He: There is nothing called Death?
• Me: What?
• He: Death, as we know it, is just the physical cessation of the Body and its functions.
• Me: Yes.
• He: But what made the Body once tick, the spark of life, lives on, and just like a drop of Water that has turned into Vapour, it goes back to become one with the whole.
• Me: Interesting.
• He: What is more interesting is what happens after that?
• Me: What would that be?
• He: It's the way the whole game once again, when the droplet separates itself from the whole to become an individual again.
• Me: That's true.
• He: Thus the play of life and death continues, till the drop has finally lived its share of desires to assume a form and lives happily as a part of the formless whole.
• Then, giving me some Bhasma and a Rudraksha, as a parting gift, He said, "May this Bhasma ever remind you of the impermanence of life and death and the Rudraksha of the latent Divinity that lies hidden within you, which is nothing less than Shivahood?"

So there we have it. Each time we adorn the sacred ash, it is a reminder of death. It is to remind us of the impermanence of life. Today, we pick it up and adorn it on our foreheads. When our life comes to an end, someone else shall apply it to us. It is to remind us to cherish the moment and the day. It is a reminder to be humble, kind, loving, and compassionate. It is to remind us to make the best of the day, for we might not live to see another day.