THE FOUR ASHRAMAS

The most beautiful feature of Sanatana Dharma, or generally known as Hinduism, is the four phases in every person's life, or the four stages of life that have been beautifully assigned and outlined for those keen to follow, the social doctrine known as Ashramas, namely Brahmacharya, Grihastha, Vanaprastha, and Sannyasa.

From "Spiritual Culture" at https://spiritualculture.org/the-four-ashramas-stages-of-life-in-hindu-thought/ we gather it as a wonderful journey "from the disciplined dawn of youth to the quiet dusk of renunciation. These stages are not just historical ideals, but living truths offering insight into who we are, what we are called to do, and how we can live meaningfully."

Brahmacharya is the phase whereby one seeks "education and builds on his character, laying the foundation for future responsibilities."

Then, entering the phase of a Grihastha, he begins to socially engage with the community and society. It revolves around the "family life, career, and his or her contribution," where one’s Dharma is enacted. He takes on various roles and the duties of a "spouse, parent, worker, and citizen". The post describes it beautifully, stating that "Many see household life as spiritually limiting. But Hinduism reverses this, saying: Spirituality must thrive in the heart of the world, not just in forests or temples. Our emails, diapers, deadlines — all can be sacred, if done in the right spirit."

Then "one begins to withdraw -- not to escape, but to contemplate. Vanaprastha marks a time of detachment, generally after children are grown and responsibilities lessen. One might still live in society, but with less involvement. Duties are now handed to the next generation. The heart turns toward prayer, scripture, and spiritual counsel. This stage is also a time to mentor, to guide others from one’s deep well of life experience. A Vanaprastha becomes a quiet pillar of the community, not seeking praise, but giving presence. The Vanaprastha vision says: this is your time to grow within, to write, meditate, teach, travel spiritually. It reframes aging as sacred evolution."

Finally, Sannyasa is where he "lets go of all identity, giving up all attachments to possessions, roles, name, ego. He is now inwardly free".

WHAT NEXT?

The first mention of Siddha was through Dr Krishnan, whom I patronized to chart and know my horoscope, and for all my Siddha herbal medicines beginning in 1996. When I was called to worship the Siddhas in the Nadi reading in 2002, the Dr prepared Agathiyar's Yantra and passed me his Mantra. Then Tavayogi initiated me officially into the path and pointed me to and asked me to frequent the local chapter of his Peedham, which he had come to officiate in 2005, to learn more. But Agathiyar, after my second Nadi reading several days later, asked him to take me under his wings instead. And so my journey began. Rather than have me listen to his teaching, Tavayogi brought me into nature and into the jungles and caves that he had been to and stayed in during his years of search. On another visit in 2007, he taught me certain Yoga techniques that began to bring on an internal transformation without my knowledge until Agathiyar brought it to my attention. I continued worship of the Siddhas until Agathiyar brought it to a halt in the wake of the pandemic in 2019. He had me go within. After teasing me with a string of gifts over the years that I refused to accept, Agathiyar finally offered to make me a Siddha. 

Who is a Siddha? Asking "Copilot," it brings up the following.

A Siddha is a term used in Indian religions and philosophy to describe a perfected being or spiritual master who has attained a high level of enlightenment and supernatural abilities. The concept of Siddhas appears in Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, and Tantric traditions.

- In Hinduism, Siddhas are enlightened yogis who have transcended the ego and achieved spiritual liberation.

- In Jainism, Siddhas are liberated souls who have destroyed all karmas and attained moksha (freedom from the cycle of birth and death).

- In Tantric traditions, Siddhas are ascetics who have mastered mystical practices and attained supernatural powers known as siddhis.

Siddhas are often associated with deep meditation, wisdom, and spiritual transformation. In South India, the Siddha tradition is particularly revered, with many ancient sages believed to have possessed extraordinary knowledge of medicine, alchemy, and yoga.

Reading the above, I tell myself I do not fit into any of the above. There is not even an inch or a shadow of these in me. I tend to agree with my wife that what Agathiyar is saying is to ask me to stay with him and on his path, and he shall eventually make me one in the future or in another birth, since he told me once that we have come a long way together. Supramania Swami, too, in closing the window of his hamlet and shutting off the view of the Arunachala hill, explained that he could not see it anymore, for it was fiery. He added that he saw Siddhas and Rishis go about their chores on the hill, and surprised me by saying that he saw me amidst them too. Tavayogi told me that he came to know that he was an old soul who lived with Agathiyar in the way past and came again to lead us away from the web of Maya and illusion. After his demise, a devotee was shown in her dream where Tavayogi was seated on a boat with many others clad in white, and Lord Siva was rowing the boat across a waterway towards a hill where Siddhas and Rishis went about their work. Dhavantri, in coming to us, told us that Tavayogi was in the form of light. Agathiyar told us that since Tavayogi was doing their work in their realm, he, Agathiyar, had to come guide us now. 

J. Krishnamurti, who was groomed to lead the Theosophical Society, was seen by the Society as the vehicle for a coming world teacher and was clothed, trained, and revered. When many desire position,  power, and authority and cannot seem to let go, he gave it all back, telling his followers that "Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path, whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect." He began to walk alone and invited others, not to follow him, but to walk alone as well. I guess this is what Agathiyar made me do, too, by bringing down the shutters to Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM), for many had dreams and visions of this group expanding and flourishing further, and had plans for it. Just as Krishnamurti "returned to silence, not the silence of withdrawal but the silence that is born when the noise of thoughts subsides, a silence that is not created but revealed, a silence that is", Agathiyar has me stay in solitude and be silent, doing nothing these days. Just as Krishnamurti's "life was simple, a small house, a garden, long walks, conversations with friends, the scent of flowers in the air" and he "loved nature not sentimentally but deeply, watching the movement of trees, the stillness of mountains, the flight of birds not as symbols but as revelations of beauty that asked for nothing", and "did not cling to the known, burying his thought, memory, and identity" and "prepared for death without preparing, dying each day", seeing death as "not the end, not an event, simply the unfolding of what had always been, an unknowable mystery, not to be conquered but to be embraced", I can boldly say that I fit into this, but not the description of a Siddha as mentioned above. 

Should I then look forward to the offer, or should I reject it as I did all the other offers before this? I would rather be another J.Krishnamurti than adorn the robe of a Siddha. I would rather be another Bharathi and Ramalinga Adigal who broke free from the tag and label of a Siddha, too. Like them, I would like to remain and be known simply as Shanmugam Avadaiyappa till my last days.

SILENCE 3

It was one of the quietest moments, a rare moment itself in the outskirts of the city. The hustle and bustle of traffic that flowed through the main road that cuts across the small housing scheme had died down. The dogs that barked the whole day long and that were supposed to keep watch in the night too had retired for the day together with their masters. The continuous chirping of the birds in the day was momentarily substituted by the occasional outburst of the cricket, known as the night singer. The fireflies flew from one street lamp to the other and finally disappeared out of view. The moon shone brightly in the sky, a scene missed by most of the city dwellers who had to turn in early to wake up early for another day of stressful work. I too entered my prayer room to spend some precious time with my Guru Agathiyar.

As the silence became more intense blocking out the remaining noise of the neighbours' air conditioners, only the sound of my breath was obvious. Soon even that was no more obvious to my hearing. In that moment of deep silence, I felt Agathiyar's presence. I opened my eyes. His bronze statue shone in the light of the oil lamp that keeps burning 24/7. I closed my eyes again. I heard him sigh. I opened my eyes again. There was no visible movement whatsoever. I asked him in silence what was the matter. He remained quiet. Then he spoke. 

"I am disappointed with my children."

I was taken aback. I listened on without interrupting. He continued.

"They think of me only as an astrologer. They think of me only as a shaman. They think of me only as a mediator. They think about me only when in trouble. They come to me asking to settle their debts. They come running to me for a solution or cure at most times. At other times they do not care to remember me."

At this juncture, my mind raced back into time where I had heard a similar lament from both my previous gurus. Supramania Swami lamented that they never asked what he wanted but instead desired their needs to be fulfilled. Tavayogi lamented that they came for material gains and not Gnana. 

Agathiyar continued.

"I am their conscience. Why did not they listen to me speak through their conscience then? It is sad that they had buried me long ago. They act without conscience today. As they came to see all things external, so too have I had the need to build temples externally to bring them to face their conscience externally. They came before me and stood in prayer asking for guidance there. They left their problems at my feet and returned home relieved. They did little bits of charity at these places of worship then. Soon man began seeking self-made godman for remedies. As a result, they found themselves loose hefty sums in finding remedies and solutions to their problems. I have sung about these in my Gnana Nool. But the practice or worship soon evolved into fear for me, instilled by those who took advantage of these poor souls. Instead of love and devotion in worship towards me they did things out of fear, lest they should earn the wrath of the Gods, they were told. The element of fear was instilled in them instead of love for their creator. 

Then there came a time they lost even that remaining fear. They stopped believing. I was the stone and the rock in the temple. They stopped patronizing my abodes. Soon there was no means of sustaining these temples just as there was no means to end their troubles. The priests who had a full-time job of taking care of me and my abode had no income. They had to seek other means of survival. The temples were deserted. Charity lost its hold. True devotees were hard to come by. I had to move too as they say to greener pastures, into the homes and the hearts of my devotees who were yearning for me. I had been travelling a lot since, seeking the homes and hearts of my devotees."

"Today I can only watch in sadness as man moves on with his life indifferent to my existence. I would sit in a corner and watch the world go by. Lobamitra would observe me from a distance not wanting to disturb my thoughts. Occasionally she would walk up to me and enquire about my silence and what was in my thoughts. I would share with her my observation. She would listen intently not saying a word. Finally, she would distract my thoughts pulling me away from falling deeper and further into the world of the mortals. I would then return to my tapas. I am in tapas in your home too. If the need arises to be in Kallar or Pothigai or Kailash I leave immediately. Otherwise, I prefer to be here in your humble dwelling."

And so saying the Mahamuni went back within into a state of silence. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart with tears of joy running down both my cheeks. No audible words came out from my lips, except for the tears that kept flowing endlessly like the Ganges. A sense of coolness crept into me. It was as if I was drenched in bliss. Some energy traversed throughout me. It would have lifted me from the floor if I did not forcibly force myself to be grounded. A broad smile broke out on my face involuntarily which soon turned to a loud burst of laughter from within, that was beyond my control. Was this bliss I wondered, later? We both remained silent for some time. He broke the silence again. 

"I have told my children about the importance of several practices through your writings. But it seems it does not register well with them. Except for a few who have started heeding your words, that are my words, the rest think it is of no immediate urgency. They think it can wait. Let me tell them that there is no moment more precious than the present; there is no life more precious than the present. It is now or never. If you do not do it this moment, the much-awaited moment never comes. You will never find another appropriate moment other than now. You have to create that moment. You are partnered in creation with me. Besides me, you too are given the gift of creation, sustenance, and that of wrecking and destroying. Sadly man is prone to postponing or delaying his own plans. But the divine plan takes place as scheduled. Death comes as scheduled. Do not postpone the rare appointment given to you to meet Me. You might never get another moment with Me."

"You understand very well and have made it known in your writings numerous times. I am available to my devotees through the good gestures you and your wife have done and the facilities built and made available around you. You have provided them access to me in your home through the many years of your worship. I come because of you. I make myself present to all because of your worship. I want them to worship me just as you worshipped me all these years. I too want to move into their homes. I too want to move into their hearts. I want to be constantly with them 24/7. But they have to invite me in first. Only if they invite me with an open heart can I visit and settle in their homes and hearts."

Then he moved on to mention the infighting his devotees had amongst them that again caught me by surprise. I guess he was opening up to me just as I had opened up to him all these years. Our moments of engagement in talking, being monologue as in the past had stopped; instead, it has evolved into a dialogue. He had literally spoken to me and we had a conversation a year and a half back. He spoke to the rest of his devotees too at his temple at Carey Island. That was amazing having the Mahamuni address us through a person, to our knowledge, for the very first time. He was apparently not happy with his children fighting among themselves. He wanted it all to end. He said he had summoned some of them. But only two of his dearest children turned up not because of fear but out of love for him. I felt sad too. I listened quietly. He went into a state of silence again something he does often only to come out of it to say what needed to he said, often returning to his domain of silence. The silence prolonged. I moved away from the room - his room, to let him be with his thoughts. I knew he had moved on to attend to his numerous duties and other matters.

Posted originally on Tuesday, 28 May 2019

SILENCE 2

There is so much clutter and noise all around us. No, I don't mean what we are seeing visibly in the physical world. It is all around us, as in thoughts, ideologies, doctrines, etc. Just as the doctors and Siddha physicians go to the root cause of our medical issues rather than attending to what is visible, everything begins from the space where thoughts are generated. In silencing these thoughts, every other thing settles down. But it is truly a battle. One can physically overthrow another in battle, but not these thoughts that keep coming like missiles one after another. What is it like to be in a thoughtless state?

The Buddha asks us to hold on to a single thought, as it would help subdue the rest. In connecting with nature, we can achieve some progress, for it too is silent. I guess this is the reason rather than bring out a sacred text and read it out to me, Tavayogi during the days of my stay at his Kallar Ashram in 2005 took me into the jungles and the caves to be with nature. It is only when the other speaks and we reply or vice versa that a continuous chain of thoughts comes on as further speech, replies, and conversation. I guess this is the reason we are told that Lord Dhakshanamurti finally remained silent before his four students, as no amount of discussion helped them attain Gnanam. Muruganar shares this story that he heard from Bhagawan Ramana himself.

"When the four-aged Sanakadi Rishis first saw the sixteen-year-old Sri Dakshinamurti sitting under the banyan tree, they were at once attracted by him, understanding him to be the real Sadguru. They approached him, did three Pradakshinas around him, prostrated before him, sat at his feet, and began to ask very shrewd and pertinent questions about the nature of Reality and the means of attaining it. Because of the great compassion and fatherly love (Vatsalya) that he felt for his aged disciples, the young Sri Dakshinamurti was overjoyed to see their earnestness, wisdom, and maturity, and hence he gave apt replies to each of their questions. As he answered each consecutive question, further doubts rose in their minds and still they asked further questions. Thus they continued to question Sri Dakshinamurti, for one whole year, and he continued to clear their doubts through his compassionate answers. Finally, however, Sri Dakshinamurti understood that if he gave more answers to their questions more doubts would rise in their minds and hence there would never be an end to their ignorance (Ajnana). Therefore, suppressing even the feeling of compassion and fatherly love that was welling up within him, he merged himself into the supreme silence. Because of their great maturity (which had been ripened to perfection through their year-long association with the Sadguru), as soon as Sri Dakshinamurti thus merged himself, they too were automatically merged within, into silence, the state of Self."

Richard Schiffman, in his "Sri Ramakrishna – A Prophet for the New Age", Paragon House, 1989, writes about the significance and depth of silence. Silence is potent. In silence, the walls that separate the guru and disciple cease to exist, he adds. Both their hearts meet. In these hours of silence, the "self" speaks with the "higher self". In silence, there is neither giving nor receiving. Just being in each other's presence. We learn from Ruzbeh Bharucha's writings that sitting in silence, disenchantment sets in as we delve deeper and deeper into a state of silence. Agathiyar often calls me over to sit with him in silence and in meditation in the midst of attending to his devotees. 

T.R. Kanakammal wrote in the "Mountain Path", that Bhagawan Ramana except when he answered questions, abided in the natural state of absolute silence. His Upadesa was mainly through silence. T.K. Sundaresa Iyer wrote "Sri Bhagavan sat and sat in His usual pose, no, poise. No words, no movement, and all was stillness! He sat still, and all sat still, waiting. The clock went on striking, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, one, two, and three. Sri Bhagavan sat and they sat. Stillness, calmness, motionlessness – not conscious of the body, of space or time. Thus eight hours were passed in Peace, in Silence, in Being, as It is. Thus was the Divine Reality taught through the speech of Silence by Bhagavan Sri Ramana (Dakshinamurthy). At the stroke of 4 a.m. Sri Bhagavan quietly said: “And now have you known the essence of the Dakshinamurti Hymn."

In sitting alone be it in nature or if we can find the time and space in our own homes, what remains after the thoughts have settled down is the awareness of the breath in us. If initially, during the initiation in Malaysia, Tavayogi told me that Agathiyar's name and mantra were that of God, he showed me the painting and later the fiber statue of Agathiyar as God upon arrival at his Ashram. Coming down the stairs of Nattatreeswarar Temple he told me that both Siva and Agathiyar were one. Just before leaving, he tells me that the breath was God. This was Tavayogi's final definition of God, that the breath was God. This is the thread. Holding on to it we reach God or rather immerse in God.

SILENCE 1

Mrs Kogie Pillai wrote, "Aiya, Krishnamurthi's piece you shared in the last post is so profound...I hope it hits the spot with at least 10 people out there." 

I would like to thank all readers for reading this blog. These are musings of a seeker still very much confused about many things, but attempting to fathom the truth that has been veiled by time and space. I feel we must share what we have learned with others, for not everybody can be present to hear them out at a particular forum, or might own a particular title or book, or might have heard from an original source. 

Right from day one, Agathiyar has been showering gifts on me. The day I came to him for a reading of the Nadi in 2002, he handed me his painting and a long list of names of Siddhas to be used in my home puja. At the end of the reading, he handed me a leaflet carrying my would-be guru's name, known back then in 2002 as Thaiveedu Thangarasan, without giving any hint or clue that I shall meet him in person, though he hinted that I shall meet my guru after I complete my Parikaram and pilgrimage to India. The following year, he brought me before my very first guru, Supramania Swami, on the pretext of charting the horoscope for my second daughter, after I finished my last leg of my maiden pilgrimage to India. I did not realize he was the guru Agathiyar had mentioned in the Nadi until after bidding farewell and traveling back to my hotel. I was not aware back then that Swami would pass over all the merits of his forty years of Tapas and austerities before he passed away in 2007. Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal, the name on the leaflet I received in 2002, came along in 2005 and later in 2007 passed me what Agathiyar calls a heritage in the form of a set of Yoga exercises, Asanas, and Pranayama. Taking it up, I saw an immense surge of Prana come within. Unknowing to me, I began to go through an internal transformation that gradually took place, and erupted in bodily pains and discomfort in stages and phases in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2016, 2018, 2022, and again currently. Just as in the movie "Twister," we hear the following: "You don't face your fears, you ride them", Agathiyar also taught me to endure the bodily pains and ride the fear that was attached to it, all a result of and that came with the internal transformation. Giving me a taste of death in 2022, he asked that I do not fear it, for he comforted me, saying it was yet another door to another journey. 

Coming to me in the form of a statue in 2010, he walked in me as my soul resided momentarily in his statue, giving counsel and healing others. As I wanted nothing to do with this any further, he immediately stopped it. Later, asking me where I would go and to whom I would turn if I were faced with troubles, he made me realize the need for me to listen to others and give him access and room to do his thing. 

Giving me the privilege to build his temple in 2002 and that of Lord Muruga in 2018, when I did not pursue it after my initial move to do so, only met with disappointment, finally, in 2019, he told me that he had tested me. When many sought out to own the Nadi, I refused his gift. 

Seeing that holding public office comes with its problems, and being the head of a movement ashram or a guru, for that matter, has its trying moments too, I shied away from undertaking such roles. Sending many to attend my home puja and embarking later on doing charity on a large scale, having played them out, when cornered, he had me bring the shutters down after six years. I was blessed that I was able to let them go. I am glad I did, for I am truly free these days. 

Then he offered to make me a guru, which he immediately reversed and indicated that he would make me something else. What has he in store for me, I wonder? What if I were to be given the position to rule Indralokham just as he had given Thondar Adi Podi Azhwar? But Azhwar refused to take up this position, preferring to take in his beauty here. He sang that, "I shall not desire, even if offered, the position of the ruler of Indralokham, in place of enjoying the sight of you here, Oh lord who dwells here in Srirangam."

பச்சைமா மலைபோல் மேனி பவளவாய் கமலச் செங்கண் 

அச்சுதா. அமர ரேறே. ஆயர்தம் கொழுந்தே. என்னும், 

இச்சுவை தவிர யான்போய் இந்திர லோக மாளும், 

அச்சுவை பெறினும் வேண்டேன் அரங்கமா நகரு ளானே 

(Source: https://periscope-narada.blogspot.com/2016/01/pachchai-mamalai-pol-meni.html)

Just as the saints saw Siddhantham and Vedantham as two eyes and visions to attain sainthood, seeing God in the external helps keep our ego in check, knowing that there is a higher authority. On the contrary, knowing that we are God and Buddha might corrupt our very being, which has seen so much effort on our part and work done on us by the Siddhas over the years. The Siddhas are like what Simon and Garfunkel wrote, the "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", where we can safely trust them to be the bridge and walk along with us and help us walk across if only we let down our ego and seek their guidance and follow. 

Every minute is a step towards death. We fail to realize that birthdays invite death closer. Say, if you are given just days to live, would you spend the rest of these days with your loved one, seeing to the needs of others, or live your lives fully, fulfilling the remaining desires? The future is bleak for many. Just speaking to them for a minute or so, their darkness begins to envelope us, too. But for some others, life is a gift to enjoy. Which would you choose? The choice is ours. There is no right or wrong. 

When Agathiyar gave, what seemed, over time, like broken promises for some, as the predictions had not taken place or had yet to happen, I voiced out this concern, not wanting Agathiyar to turn out a liar, while talking to my wife. She asked me whether he had mentioned a specific date or given a time frame when it would happen. Her question did make sense. No. Indeed, he never mentioned that, but only pointed out the possibility or fact. It could be now or in the way in the future, or it might be in another birth. 

When I was cornered to ask for something too, when many others and I sat before him, putting on my thinking cap in desperation for an answer as he was waiting, I asked to be born again and again and serve him as I did now. I learned that apparently that was not what one should desire, as he asked me further if that was what I wanted. Later, I figured out that I should be asking for Gnanam, which was harped on by Tavayogi often. Agathiyar, on his next visit, said it was not gifted, but I had to earn it by traveling the Chakras. 

Then he surprises me by telling me he will make me a Siddha. So when Agathiyar says he will make me a Siddha, it might not happen overnight. It might take many more years or most likely be in a future birth. Like always, I have not given it much importance nor held any expectations for then we shall become frustrated. I shall do what needs to be done now and not eye the results or the final destination, as I had written earlier, anything can happen between now and then. 

Just as he had wiped the slate clean several times, beginning with clearing all my readings and bookish knowledge, he had me clear my belongings and possessions, like the precious stones and Rasamani I had worn on me. He had me let go of my hold on the society, and the position that came with the coming of devotees who were sent by him, to my home, and he had me dissolve the group after six years. He had me let go of even his idol, and wants me to eventually let him go too. Days ago, he erased all the memories captured on all forms of media, the books, the audio and videos, recordings of the Nadi readings, and whenever he came through other devotees, and many more that I had stored in an external hard disk. I only have those as memories now, which might fade away too, as my memory fails eventually. I guess he wants me to live in the moment, in the present. 

Though I am in society and with the family, he has cut me off internally these days. I am just existing. Nothing further needs to be done, perfected, or achieved. It is like coming home. It is a homecoming to the times before Lord Nadaraja opened his eyes, moved his feet to dance, and spoke. It is akin to stepping into the period and phase of inactivity and silence. 

It is not proper for me to expect others, with many other matters suffocating them and asking for their attention and action, to give equal attention and time to reflecting on the past. I, being a pensioner, have all the time to sit alone with such thoughts, whiling away these moments doing nothing.

THE ANGELS ARE CRYING

Mrs Kogie Pillai wrote the following in her latest post, "Surmounting Toxic Surroundings" at https://aaksharawellness.blogspot.com/2025/06/surmounting-toxic-surroundings.html

I awoke this morning to a “reality” in which we live, specific to the confines of my living environment.  I glossed over the daily news and there it was again; crime, violence, government corruption, poverty, high levels of unemployment, collapsed infrastructure, ailing economy, failed efforts at service delivery and more. This was just within the ambit of my small, little world.  On a global level we see extended patterns of poverty, economic inequalities,  political corruption, water scarcity, food insecurity, terrorism, political instability, conflict and wars, fear of more pandemics, serious levels of crime such as smuggling of drugs, human trafficking, murder, robberies, money laundering, the threat of artificial intelligence.  Not good news to wake up to on any day.

We see the underlying sadness in her writing. Indeed, we are sad and concerned. 

Sir David Attenborough has boldly asked us to wake up to the alarming reality that mankind has brought much damage to this beautiful and wonderful world of ours. 

We are not alone watching this "reality" take place. The angels, too, are crying as in this video.  

I remember Agathiyar reminding me to walk tall and with pride that we are his children. He also told me that if I shed tears, he too shall. Velayutham Karthikeyan Aiya, in his blog "Siththan Arul," wrote the following, which goes to show the amount of concern, compassion, and grace of the Siddhas again. It is said that the Siddhas approached Lord Brahma and voiced a similar concern to him in the days of the past. The Siddhas had wished that whoever seeks them out for solutions to their problems and surrenders to them, shall be pardoned for their past deeds, however bad and evil they may be, and shall not be put through the trial and tribulations and made to face the consequences, but instead be saved. As Agathiyar did not give up on his devotees and insisted that Lord Brahma change their fate, it is written that Brahma tells him that he cannot stop the incident from happening, but he can reduce the repercussions or effects as a result of that event. Agathiyar pleads to Brahma, telling him that he believes all should be saved and that their fate should be changed. Agathiyar humbly requests that Brahma change the Karma of all those who came seeking him (Agathiyar) as he had given his word to them. He seeks Brahma's word of promise that he would not harm any of his devotees. 

On an individual basis, the most compassionate Erai has given us ways to redo, correct, and come out of the rut we are in because of our past doings. He has given us a tool called free will to make a better future for us, to free ourselves from the hold of this Karma, and in the saints, be freed from the cycle of birth and death. Agathiyar and the saints offer options to reduce the past Sanchita Karma, which determines our future births. Man is the only creation of Erai who can change his fate and destiny by working on his Karma and his duties.

But at times, in reality, Agathiyar's hands are tied too. Lord Siva would override the wishes that Agathiyar places before him regarding his devotees and their families and have things take their course for reasons only known to him (Lord Siva). But as at other times, as in coming through in the moments of meditation of a devotee at the height of the pandemic, Lord Siva asked us to gather together and conduct a Homam to assist Prapanjam or Mother Nature, fight the dreaded virus. We did as told. Later, Prapanjam herself, coming through another devotee, asked us to help her keep it at bay, preventing another recurrence. We did as told.

WHEN DANGER LURKS

Going by the various stories about Agathiyar shared on the net, it makes us wonder and ask if Agathiyar was their cousin. I came to him through a Nadi reading in 2002 and have yet to know that man. He or is it she, is truly mysterious in all manner. Does God have a gender? No one has lived long enough to know him and share about him. What is available is the written word. But then we are told that the written form of the Tamil language was pretty different in the days of these Siddhas. What compounds it is the narrative and translation that followed, as well as the many possible additions and omissions to these texts and the written word. So is it with stories by way of mouth. It is unlikely that we shall come to know the truth. Could this be the reason Buddha avoided answering questions about God? Could this be why Agathiyar avoided answering questions about him and his origin?

After staying faithful to him and his cause, and refusing all the offers and gifts, Agathiyar tried to entice me with a further gift, what every student would fall for - to fill the shoes of his guru, to become a clone of his guru, carrying out the tradition and repeating the gurus words. But as I stood firm on my resolution, just as masters in the past are known to send away their students when they lose a certain amount of ignorance and attain a certain amount of Gnanam, he finally set me free and never to live under the shadow of the guru. He gave me my freedom. 

For one who has traveled the beaten track, nothing surprises him. That was Tavayogi and Supramania Swami. The latter, during my very first meeting with him in 2003, sitting before him on the pretext of charting the horoscope of my second daughter, instead of doing so, he revealed my future. He spoke about the Siddhas and Rishis going about their chores on the Holy hill Arunachala. He surprised me by saying that he saw me there too. On my second visit in 2005, asking the reason he had hung up a gunny sack across the window from where he could have sight of the Holy hill 24/7, he replied that the hill was fiery and that he could not see it. If we need to be physically present to connect with another, or connect through the phone or social media, the saints and gurus connect with us through thoughts and messages that come to them, and through them. 

Agathiyar finally told me that he would make me a Siddha. But between now and the day that happens, so many things can happen or go wrong. I could rock the boat and mess up my life. I could do damage to my reputation and his, too. I could end up in a scandal. I could fall into disgrace for Mara, or Maya is known to lure even Buddha and the Rishis. As such, what are we but weaklings? Can his grace protect me from all the dangers that lurk out there, or rather has taken abode within? Ego and arrogance, dishonesty and lies, sexual urges that peak, and scandals are but some of the dangers that lurk by. We have seen many a holy man fall from grace at the peak of their "professional career". The gods test us, and even the gods are tested. One has to stay vigilant and pray that he does not slip. We tend to miss the boat most of the time. If we are lucky and if the boat comes along again, we might get another chance. But as they say, opportunity knocks only once; we might never board the boat. 

TAVAYOGI

Neither my gurus taught me. They did not hold classes. They did not pass on books to read or recommend. Instead, they had me travel the path, taking small steps and working on the mantras, practice, and techniques. They showed by example rather than preaching. The very first lesson that I failed to understand back then in 2005 came in the form of a strong and unexpected statement from Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal. In my excitement to have him over at my home, I went overboard thanking his presence. He hit back that I was living in Maya, thinking that he had something hidden beneath his safron robes. Though I was confused and disturbed at his reaction towards my joy in having him over, I am thankful to him for breaking the hold on him that would have eventually come about. Instead, he pointed me to Agathiyar and told me to hold on tight to him. How many gurus would shove away a seeker, student, apprentice, servant, disciple? Agathiyar, too, sometime back, asked that I shed my hold on him too, for how else are we to become one, he asked. Later, he asked if he should make me a guru and immediately reversed on his suggestion and replied, 'No, I shall make you a ...... instead'.

Tavayogi brought me into the jungles, walking the path he had traveled in the days of roaming as a mendicant. I tasted his life, sleeping in caves and living with nature. He conducted Siddha puja in my home, and we followed suit by watching him. There were no rules or conduct imposed on us. There were no texts or books to follow. We were free to experiment. The Siddhas and deities also gave us leeway in conducting these rituals. He did numerous Yoga postures and breathing practices, and we followed. He did not correct or help us out. It was a one-time affair, and we had to remember all the movements shown to us. Agathiyar, in later years, gave me leeway to carry out only those that I deem necessary. After the initial mass initiation he gave to six others besides me and my wife, the others came in passing or as I sat before him in later years. The ball was on my court. I had to practice them diligently. He never enquired about them or my practice. He sowed the seeds and moved on, never looking back for a moment to check on me, just as he brought me into the jungles, never for once turning back to check if I was keeping up with him. He never was attached to his disciples. It was all professional. He was there to show, and it was left to us to learn and follow. Today, I am glad that he was the way he was. This was the way the Siddhas nurtured their students. He was an exemplary Siddha and guru. 

Mrs Kogie Pillai from South Africa, who was equally charmed by Tavayogi and his manners, shared a few pages from J.Krishnamurti's book, "The First Step is the Last Step", where Krishnamurti sums it up writing that "Nothing must be repeated which one has not oneself perceived, which one has not lived. It is not yours, therefore it is not original. It is secondhand, therefore utterly valueless. To find out what truth is, to come upon it, the mind must be free of all imitation and conformity. The mind must be free of the word, the image, and the past. And that is the first step and the last step." 

IT IS ALL A DREAM

Bringing me to the doorstep of the temple, my parents pointed me to God as residing in this place and was to be worshipped in the form and image as depicted and placed in it. Bakthi or devotion towards God arose in our hearts. This was the start of Sariyai. We pour out our problems before them and often fail to thank them for all the pleasantries in life. Coming to the Siddhas, they showed me rituals that I took up personally to bridge our worlds and bring them into our homes and lives. This was the start of Kriyai. They began to lead us on. They asked us to share the piece of cake with others less fortunate. Compassion and love for others began to blossom from within our hearts. With the coming of the guru in physical form, we stepped into Yogam that began to shape our internals, ridding them of the toxic poisons that we had accumulated for years, both in the body and mind. A deep cleansing took place. The junk files and recycle bins were cleared. Stepping into Gnanam after having traveled through the purified Chakras, our being was defragmented and consolidated to create space and emptiness in our hard disk. We were born anew, performing as a new hard disk or Solid State Drive would. We now enter another dimension, not that of a terrestrial in nature, but entering the divine space that is the inner chamber of the temple within, where God resides and was shown to us once upon a time by our parents. We are shown the heart of God that is all merciful, forgiving, full of love, and compassion. We arrive where we started. Looking back then we realize that we never went anywhere. It was all a dream that we have now woken up from. 

SETTLING IN THE SELF

Just as the Paintress in the game "Clair Obscur Expedition 33" erases and wipes out all those born in a particular year, Lord Siva wiped out all my reading and learning on religion, the Agamas, tradition, and customs. He left me empty for some 13 years before he fed me with ever-fresh learnings from the Siddhas. Coming to the fold of the Siddhas, he fills me with rituals, practices, and techniques, brings me to do charity, and then, after some 18 years, wipes it all away, and has me leave my association with other fellow seekers on the path too. He wiped off all my association with relatives, schoolmates, collegemates, officemates, neighbors, friends, and society, leaving behind only a handful I meet daily.

Just as the signs of impending danger or disease are there, the lessons were shrouded all over and often repeatedly told to us, but we fail to grasp them. It takes time and maturity that comes with age to bring our attention and understanding towards them. But it is often too late, unless we make a concerted effort to change overnight. I am no saint, yet he took me in under his wings and groomed me to become one of his kind, not a clone, but a unique person. Agathiyar had me go on a pilgrimage, which is part of Sariyai, after revealing about Karma to soften its hold on us, not magically but with and by the trouble we take to see it through. He had me carry out rituals that are a part of Kriyai to further burn the remaining in the external fire. He had me exhaust the last remnants of Karma in the internal fire of Yoga. Stepping into Gnanam after having accumulated the lessons learned and experiences gained, he removed the remaining ignorance in me. Asking me not to take the blame entirely for all my past acts, he revealed that he had pushed me into those situations and moments, prompting me to err and sin for the sake of wanting those experiences, too, telling me I needed to know, feel, and learn both the good and bad. There was no right and wrong in his view. It was all an experience to be acquired and move on. That is the love and compassion of Agathiyar, a man who became godly, or rather God, coming to us, to help us shed the hold of Maya and revealing his true form. 

Just as Buddha said, we replace a thousand thoughts with one and let it go, too, initially, we drop our desires and wishes, replace them with those of Agathiyar's and the guru, and eventually, even that has to drop too as we settle in the Self that is awareness and existence.

IT IS WE WHO DECIDE

Life is full of choices and even Agathiyar leaves us to decide for ourselves. Life is a series of events, and we tend to determine it right from the moment we begin to make decisions. Although the Nadi was mentioned to me way back in 1996 by Dr. Krishnan when I used to visit him, it did not move me enough to want to see it back then. I did not look up for any Nadi reader. It was not important back then. Nor did it arose my curiousity. But when my friend Muralitaran Saminathan spoke about his experience to me in 2002, in reading the Kaanda Nadi for himself in 2000, I became excited to know my past, present, and future that the Siddhas could reveal. When he made an appointment for me, I came face to face with several choices. 

Agathiyar, giving a painting of his and a small booklet of hymns to start the journey, called me to worship the Siddhas, which I did immediately upon returning home. I could have kept them aside and gone on with my routine. But when I adjusted my life to include puja to the Siddhas and allocated some time to it, a whole new world opened up. I had access to their world. I had their grace. They began to guide me henceforth through subsequent Aasi Nadi readings, some 56 times. 

Agathiyar asked me to go to India on a pilgrimage, which I embarked on in 2003. I could have opted not to. But when I did as asked the pilgrimage ended in my meeting my first guru, Supramania Swami of Tiruvannamalai. 

Agathiyar moved me to meet my second guru, Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal of Kallar Ashram, when he stepped on our soil two years later. 

My gurus molded me further. 

I opened up to the many opportunities that knocked on my door, not knowing what I was stepping into. I did not ponder nor think, or hesitate to carry out what was asked of me. 

Agathiyar sent several youths to join my family and me in puja, and when I accepted them, my home evolved into Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM). He introduced us to carrying out charity that gave rise to the group Amudha Surabhi. We brought the Siddha puja into the corridors of the temples after our Paramaguru Chitramuthu Adigal, coming in a Jeeva Nadi reading, asked us to begin it at the Taiping Taneermalai temple where he had spent years in meditation. Agathiyar had me write this blog, which has reached out to many worldwide. 

Putting me through the test to see if I was ready to let go, he now began to work on me. In the wake of the pandemic, he decided that it was all enough and brought the shutters down, asking me to stay indoors, in solitude, and to go within. He left the others to either take up the cause or go about their lives. They opted for the second. He worked on the energies that had arisen after picking up the Yoga techniques learned from Tavayogi in 2007. Today I am trying to manage these energies with his help.

Life is full of opportunities that come knocking on our doors. We should learn to recognize them and take up the call. We should pursue it till it is decided that we let go of it too. We are not here to bring along the results of these opportunities but only the experiences gained. This would one day become Gnanam and release us for good from the hold that this birth has on us. 

Imagine my life if I had not taken up any of those opportunities. Where would I be today? 

Then there were moments when I had refused to take up certain tasks asked of me, for instance be a medium for them to heal and a guru, and to build a temple. I am glad that I refused the many gifts that they were prepared to confer on me. Imagine my life caught up in carrying out healing, reading the Nadi, managing the temple and preaching for life . Today I am left alone to do whatever I please. There is no puja, rituals, charity, satsangs, preaching, talks, practice, etc. My home is back being a home. A mountain is back being a mountain. I am at peace with myself, contended and full. I spent time with my grandchildren living in their world of fantasy.