And so, if Balamurugan wants me to be just my own self, Shanmugam Avadaiyappa, standing out distinctly different from the rest by establishing a name and a brand for myself, Agathiyar, who asked me how long I wanted to remain Shanmugam Avadaiyappa, says that I needed to drop this identity that was holding me back and move into their fold.
Just as I was at a crossroads earlier as to whether I should involve myself and lend a hand or step back and watch in all matters, I am at a crossroads again now. Agathiyar, Lord Muruga, and Lord Siva had laid many tests for me since the beginning to see if I was buying into them. Yes, Lord Muruga told me that I shall do it differently when he asked that I build him a temple. Soon he revealed that it was a test after all and that my home was his temple, though it was not the traditional temple by any means. It was not the structure or the people manning the temple. It was always about the energies inherent in these places. But those who went deeper into worship and beyond Bakti kept coming back. They took back something that calmed them or filled the void within them. Though at times I would rather be on my own with my family than see strangers stepping into my home, their plight and helplessness drive me to keep the door to my home open to them.
This too, I guess, is a test to see if I would remain as Shanmugam Avadaiyappa, claiming to be a new breed of guru, preaching new ways by repackaging and marketing the old stuff, simplifying, modifying, and re-engineering ways that promise liberation, besides savoring fame and money and everything else, that comes with it, or keep tracking further on the known path of the Siddhas until the merger happens.
What is to come shall depend on what I choose to be. Shall it be a destiny that I choose or one that they chart? As usual, I lose out to them, for I am indebted for this life and for life to the Siddhas.