What was once an interesting story has begun to be our experience now. Now I understand why Lord Siva in a dream asked me to drop all reading, doubts and questions in 1988 and move on. All the reading, discussions and talks on religion and spiritualism brought me nowhere but only confused me more then. I was questioning why Erai, who was mentioned in all the scriptures and texts I read and in all the talks that I attended and heard, as the most compassionate - was blind to his subjects hardships and sufferings?
Now I understand pretty well that he wanted me to gain the experience first so that I could then, and only then refer to the scriptures and books confirming my experience. Bhagawan Ramana never read much except for Periapuranam, his Bible lessons and bits of Tayumanavar or Tevaram. After attaining his divine state having gone through a tremendous transformation, he began reading and could associate with what was written. Bhagawan Ramana explains this transformation in BV Narasimha Swami's "Self Realization, The Life and Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi", Sri Ramanasramam, 1985.
Formerly I would go there (the temple of Meenakshi Sundareswara) rarely with friends, see the images put on sacred ashes and sacred vermilion on the forehead and return home without any perceptible emotion. After the awakening into the new life, I would go almost every evening to the temple. I would go alone and stand before Siva or Meenakshi or Nataraja or the sixty three saints for long periods. I would feel waves of emotion overcoming me. The former hold on the body had been given up by my spirit, since it ceased to cherish the idea 'I am the body'. The spirit therefore longed to have a fresh hold and hence the frequent visits to the temple and the overflow of the soul in profuse tears. This was God's play with the individual spirit. I would stand before Isvara, the controller of the universe and the destinies of all, the omniscient and omnipresent, and occasionally pray for the descent of his grace upon me so that my devotion might increase and become perpetual like that of the sixty three saints. Mostly I would not pray at all, but let the deep within flow on and into the deep without. Tears would mark this overflow of the soul and not betoken any particular feeling of pleasure or pain. I had no desire to avoid rebirth or seek release, to obtain dispassion or salvation... in the language of the books, I should describe my mental or spiritual condition after the awakening, as Suddha Manas or Vijnana, ie the intuition of the illumined.
As he mentions "in the language of the books", referring to having read these books later, Bhagawan Ramana found out certain resemblances of what he had gone through in the Ribhu Gita.
Bhagavan's first attendant, Palaniswami, brought a copy to Bhagavan's attention while he was residing at the mango grove near Gurumurtham in 1898. Later in life Bhagavan related how surprised he was at the time to hear an exact description of his own state recited in the Ribhu Gita and that it had been experienced by others and was the bliss of the Self sought after by all true seekers.(Source: From the blog "An End to Suffering" at http://end-to-suffering.blogspot.com/2006/04/ribhu-gita-essence.html)
The blogger quotes Ramana's reaction to the numerous texts that was read to him, from B.V.Narasimha Swami's "Self-Realization. The Life and Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi", Sri Ramanasramam, 1985.
I had read no books other than Periapuranam, my Bible lessons and bits of Tayumanavar or Tevaram. My notion of God (or Isvara as I called the Infinite but Personal Diety) was similar to that found in the Puranas. I had not heard then of Brahman, samsara, etc. I had no idea that there was an Essence or Impersonal Real underlying everything, and that myself and Isvara were both identical with it. At Tiruvannamalai, as I listened to Ribhu Gita and other works, I picked up these facts and discovered that these books were analysing and naming what I had previously felt intuitively without analysis and name. In the language of the books, I could describe my mental or spiritual condition after awakening, as suddha manas or vijnana, i.e., the Intuition of the Illumined."
This is what Agathiyar and Tavayogi did with us at ATM. Agathiyar setting us on the path and Tavayogi bringing us on a practical journey rather then lecture us about the path in the comfort of a home or an ashram. They gave us the much needed experience. I had wronged many in the past and past lifes. Agathiyar tells me it was his doing so that I could gain the experience. When I asked if we had done mistakes while conducting rituals, "Ma" tells us that making mistakes is a learning process. One's mistakes will be wisdom for others, she adds. Finally she tells us that the Siddha path is itself one of learning lessons.
We are here to make mistakes and learn from it. We are here to learn to live life. We are here to experience life. We are here to appreciate life. We are here to learn to build relationships. We are here to take in the beauty of creation. We are here to to know Erai. Everything is a learning process. Once "schooling" is over we return home to our father. We are blessed to have Agathiyar bring us to the worship of Lord Vinayagar, then Lord Muruga, now Mother "Ma" who will show us Father just as Ramalinga Adigal traveled a similar journey. This is a process we have to go through, learning along the way, discovering hidden secrets and new truths. It has been an interesting journey never a moment of boredom. Each day is a revelation.
As Richard Schiffman writes in his "Sri Ramakrishna – A Prophet for the New Age", Paragon House, 1989, just as Saint Francis and Sri Ramakrishna "by their sheer authenticity and enthusiasm galvanized a band of dedicated followers to set their sights higher and broader and finer than they would ever have imagined possible", we too have at ATM a similar band of dedicated devotees of Agathiyar doing his asking. Agathiyar has banded together this fine and devoted group of youngsters to serve him and all of Prapanjam through the many feeding programs and through conducting rituals like the lighting of the sacrificial fire or homam and libation or abhisegam to the deities. As Schiffman wrote of the Ramakrishna Order of the Monks, "the revolution took place quietly and without fanfare, the revolutionized would hardly have been aware of the vast changes occurring within them until the work was done", so has it been with this band of wonderful souls. "To be present week after week at the foot of Ramakrishna", writes Schiffman, similar with Agathiyar, "weaned them from course pleasures of the senses towards the boundless rewards of the spirit" which Agathiyar embodied.
Schiffman describing Ramakrishna's state wonderfully,
To watch the little poor man of Kali in the barest surrounding radiate a holy good cheer like a monarch of happiness was to grasp what the scriptures of all the worlds sacred traditions mean when they proclaim with a single voice that the fountain head of joy exists within oneself, and that it is futile to seek it anywhere else.