Again and again, I arrive at crossroads. Just as Yogi Ramsuratkumar says that there were days he felt he knew all, and at other times the opposite, I too observe that "they" break us each moment, breaking our understanding and hold on things, concepts, perspective, opinion, etc. For instance, the question often arises: Should we help another or walk away?
Personally I was one who never gave a "damn" to what happened around me. I was in my own world, happy and contented as a child, teen, and youth. I followed what was taught and shown by my parents, took up these prayers in my bachelor's home, and continued my visits to temples in the surrounding area. Only when I began working and began to bond with others besides my family did I see the sufferings in their lives. This prompted me to question the nature of god, though I never doubted his existence. If all the texts spell out god as being compassionate and equate him to love, why was he putting them through the mill? My questions were placed on hold when Lord Siva came in a dream and asked me to do so, which turned out to be for some 14 long years, during which I dropped my prayers and temple visits.
13 years later, in 2001, I received an initiation in a mysterious and uncalled-for manner in the comfort of my home, only to come to know later that it was orchestrated by Agathiyar, which would pave the way for me to meet my guru. A year later, I came to have a calling to see the Nadi and learn about my Karma, and finally gathered why all those who came along and I met in my short span of life back then in the 80's suffered. Bringing me to worship the Siddhas, Agathiyar later in 2013 brought several youths to my home that became Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM) to watch, participate, and carry out both puja and charity in the homes, temples, and streets. Compassion that I never knew I had in me began to germinate and grow through these events. Love expanded to include others, too. In 2019, he had me dissolve the group and halt all our activities, telling me that others would continue from there and had me go within. I now had to travel alone. Agathiyar told me that now I had another purpose that he would reveal later. If the Sariyai that I learned from my parents brought me into society, and the Kriyai that I learned from Tavayogi brought me into contact with many, the Yoga that I learned from Tavayogi, too, turned my attention inwards to the Self in me. The Gnana that I gained through traveling the path of Yoga and experiencing the transformation and changes within, and that Agathiyar came regularly to point out and explain, severed these contacts and isolated me, bringing me to walk alone further. Now I was often reminded to mind my own business and focus on my life and the purpose that was yet to be revealed. I was told that all was well and to let it be.
Now here is where I am at the crossroads. When I was "blind" to the outside world and heartless, I was at "peace" with myself. One would equate this to being selfish. Having me come in contact and learn about others' sufferings, I was questioning the injustice that god meted out. One would equate this to being concerned and caring. Then, in the 14 years that I was told to let go of all these questions, again, I was at peace with myself. I was back to being an empty vessel. After the calling in the Nadi, I knew the reasons for others' sufferings. Walking the path of the Siddhas, I was slowly filled with knowledge beyond the books and educated on the mysteries of life. If Sariyai introduced us to another world, that of Gods and Goddesses, Kriya bridged both worlds, the world of man and the divine. Yoga bridged the breath and the Prapanjam, often referred to as the world, the cosmos, and the universe. With the coming of Gnanam, we come to know that we are all connected in more than one way. Eventually, Agathiyar tells me that we were one. But if we were all connected, how could I turn a blind eye towards others' state of affairs? At the same time, we are told that they brought it on themselves with their actions and decisions they made, or that it was dealt to them by divine justice, or simply put, Karma. So, do I go back to showing my concern for others, extend a hand in helping them, and start all over again, or just watch from my seat without interfering? Do I go back to being a man or remain in a divine state sitting on my throne? Putting a question to a well-read friend and a lawyer in his twenties, if we should lend a hand and how much is enough, or adopt the stand of the Gnanis and stay away, he surprised me with his immense knowledge. He narrated the story of the confused Arjuna on the battlefield at Kurukshetra and how Sri Krishna counselled him on his duties. Being a Satriya, his duty was to fight, and so did Sri Krishna point it out to him. We are told about each having a purpose in coming here. So, how are we to know ours, since there is no clear delineation as in the past?
But this marksman and famed archer could not defeat the Yadavas in battle later in history. Now, Sri Krishna tells Arjuna that his skill was useful before, but not now. I realised then that a gift is only temporary and for a purpose. Once the purpose is seen through, it is done with. We cannot possibly summon it back.
Another related question is: Should we follow the given teachings without question, or should we question every directive? Our elders lived in peace by upholding tradition and customs, carrying on the beliefs with faith and devotion. Though they suffered, they followed all the ways and means handed down to them by tradition and over the ages without question. These days, though we are encouraged to question every move and knowledge handed over to us, our lives seem to be in turmoil.
I believe that I shall get further answers in tomorrow's Satsanga session in Lenggeng, Negeri Sembilan, organized by the new AVM.