Whenever I sit alone with Agathiyar, all the days' happenings and the many events that take place come to mind. I do not attempt to stop nor control them but let them go by. All my plans are made in his presence. The subject matter and the contents, till the very phrases and words, posted on this blog are born out of sitting in silence with him. As I question him a lot over his administration of the world and all other matters, including moving us like puppets, these questions come to my mind at these moments of contemplation and silence, for this is the only time I can capture his attention and hopefully get an answer or two. I want answers to these queries of mine. I have stopped seeking these answers outside. I want him to answer them. Sometimes the answers dawn on me as soon as the questions come to mind. Often there is no answer from his side. Only further silence. It does not matter. I shall keep asking for I know he will answer me even if it comes a couple of years later. But the answer has to be from him. Only that will satisfy me. I have lost faith in godmen and supposedly divine and saintly men. All the best concepts, doctrines and practices held and taught by them has failed them, not able to deliver them from the clutches of Yama or death. If they cannot save themselves how are they going to save us? And we are still flocking to them in hundreds. Hence my searched stopped many years back. I had two wonderful personal gurus in the physical form and Agathiyar in the subtle form. I was pretty happy and contented.
Today I understand pretty well why Thavathiru Rengaraja Desigar of Ongarakudil and Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal of Kallar Ashram have pointed us to the Siddhas as the means of deliverance. It is only those who have attained the highest state achievable by a mortal on the physical plane; who can tell us what is beyond the wall and beyond the veil; who can narrate to us what they saw and experienced; can show us the way to reach or achieve that place and state.
The Siddhas had been there. Their experiences that they had written and documented through numerous songs of theirs are testimony to their greatest achievements in the spiritual arena. But the path, as many other paths too, has been adulterated over time. The essence and the way have been polluted and diluted to suit the needs of the present day seekers who want everything in a jiffy. There is a price for everything these days including spiritualism. If in days of yonder the price a student paid to learn the secret to enlightenment was his devotion both to Erai and a true guru, and his time in being patient and perseverance in walking the path of truth and honesty, and compassion and love, these days money seems to buy everything under the sky, escalating the process, to the extent making everyone an instant saint.
Tavayogi who was from the orthodox school of thought told me one had to remain faithful to the guru for some 12 years before he can expect any returns for his dedication and devotion, practice and faith. Many saints of the past too have mentioned distinctly about this time period in their lives where they had to endure great and radical changes in their physical bodies and undergo agony and pain just as the butterfly undergoes in transforming itself from being a pupa into a radiant and beautiful butterfly, emerging from its cocoon after a long period of struggle.
Knowing that we can be misled by others, Agathiyar has asked us to turn to the original content of their texts and writings without seeking for mediators or translations of their works. Even if we cannot comprehend their works, he tells us that the particular Siddha whose work we have taken in our hands will come through us to make us understand. It is only through the direct transmission of gnana or divine knowledge that we can receive and understand the true teachings of the Siddhas.
This is only achievable if we begin to allocate some of our time in contemplating the divine. Sitting in the presence of your chosen deity, in the sacred ambience of your prayer room, you can easily fall into the state of calmness and peace. You need not travel far and wide scouting for the ideal spot to sit and connect with the divine. You create the most conducive and practical environment in our very home for a beginning. Soon your "self" will settle into its place on its own. Having been accustomed daily to the place and mood created, the self settles on its own nudging wonderfully into its domain - that of silence. In these hours of silence, the "self" speaks with the "higher self" whom we have given numerous names and forms.
What if Agathiyar were to speak in those private moments of intimacy and silence? What would he have to say? What would he share?
It was one of the quietest moments, a rare moment itself in the outskirts of the city. The hustle and bustle of traffic that flowed through the main road that cuts across the small housing scheme had died down. The dogs that barked the whole day long and that were supposed to keep watch in the night too had retired for the day together with their masters.
The continuous chirping of the birds in the day was momentarily substituted by the occasional outburst of the cricket, known as the night singer. The moon shone brightly in the sky, a scene missed by most of the city dwellers who had to turn in early to wake up early for another day of stressful work. The fireflies flew from one street lamp to the other and finally disappeared out of view. I too entered my prayer room to spend some precious time with my Guru Agathiyar.
As the silence became more intense blocking out entirely all the remaining noise of the neighbours' air conditioners, only the sound of my breath was obvious. Soon even that was no more obvious to my hearing. In that moment of deep silence, I felt Agathiyar's presence. I opened my eyes. His bronze statue shone in the dark of the room, lighted only by the oil lamp that kept burning 24/7. I closed my eyes again. I heard him sigh. I opened my eyes again. There was no visible movement whatsoever. I asked him in silence what was the matter. He remained quiet. Then he spoke.
"I am disappointed with my children." I was taken aback. I listened on without interrupting. He continued. "They think of me only as an astrologer. They think of me only as a shaman. They think of me only as a mediator. They think about me only when in trouble. They come to me asking to settle their debts. They come running to me for a solution or cure at most times. At other times they do not care to remember me."
At this juncture, my mind raced back into time where I had heard a similar lament from both my previous gurus. Supramania Swami lamented that they never asked what he wanted but instead desired their needs to be fulfilled. Tavayogi lamented that they came for material gains and not gnana.
Agathiyar continued. "I am their conscience. Why did not they listen to me speak through their conscience then? It is sad that they had buried me long ago. They act without conscience today."
"As they came to see all things external, so too have I had the need to build temples externally to bring them to face their conscience externally. They came before me and stood in prayer asking for guidance there. They left their problems at my feet and returned home relieved. They did little bits of charity at these places of worship then. But the practice or worship soon evolved into fear for me, instilled by those who took advantage of these poor souls. Instead of love and devotion in worship towards me they did things out of fear, lest they should earn the wrath of the Gods, they were told. The element of fear was instilled in them instead of love for their creator."
"Then there came a time they lost even that remaining fear. They stopped believing that I was the stone and the rock in the temple. They stopped patronizing my abodes. Soon there was no means of sustaining these temples just as there was no means to end their troubles. The priests who had a full-time job of taking care of me and my abode had no income. They had to seek other means of survival. The temples were deserted. Charity lost its grounds. True devotees were hard to come by. I had to move too as they say to greener pastures, into the homes and the hearts of my devotees who were yearning for me. I had been travelling a lot since, seeking the homes and hearts of my devotees."
"Soon man began seeking self-made godman for remedies. As a result, they found themselves loose hefty sums in finding remedies and solutions to their problems. I have sung about these in my Gnana Nool."
"Today I can only watch in sadness as man moves on with his life indifferent to my existence. I would sit in a corner and watch the world go by. Lobamitra would observe me from a distance not wanting to disturb my thoughts. Occasionally she would walk up to me and enquire about my silence and what was in my thoughts. I would share with her my observation. She would listen intently not saying a word. Finally, she would distract my thoughts pulling me away from falling deeper and further into the world of the mortals. I would then return to my tapas."
"I am in tapas in your home too. If the need arises to be in Kallar or Pothigai or Kailash I leave immediately. Otherwise, I prefer to be here in your humble dwelling."
And so saying the Mahamuni went back within into a state of silence.
I thanked him from the bottom of my heart with tears of joy running down both my cheeks. No audible words came out from my lips, except for the tears that kept flowing endlessly like the Ganges. A sense of coolness crept into me. It was as if I was drenched in bliss. Some energy traversed throughout me. It would have lifted me from the floor if I did not forcibly force myself to be grounded. A broad smile broke out on my face involuntarily which soon turned to a loud burst of laughter from within, that was beyond my control. Was this bliss I wondered, later?
We both remained silent for some time. He broke the silence again.
"I have told my children about the importance of several practices through your writings. But it seems it does not register well with them. Except for a few who have started heeding your words, that are my words, the rest think it is of no immediate urgency. They think it can wait. Let me tell them that there is no moment more precious than the present; there is no life more precious than the present. It is now or never. If you do not do it this moment, the much-awaited moment never comes. You will never find another appropriate moment other than now. You have to create that moment. You are partnered in creation with me. Besides us, you too are given the gift of creation, sustenance, and that of wrecking and destroying. Sadly man is prone to postponing or delaying his own plans. But the divine plan takes place as scheduled. Death comes as scheduled. Do not postpone the rare appointment given to you to meet Me. You might never get another moment with Me."
"You understand very well and have made it known in your writings numerous times. I am available to my devotees through the good gestures you and your wife have done and the facilities built and made available around you. You have provided them with access to me in your home through the many years of your worship. I come because of you. I make myself present to all because of your worship. I want them to worship me just as you worshipped me all these years. I too want to move into their homes. I too want to move into their hearts. I want to be constantly with them 24/7. But they have to invite me in first. Only if they invite me with an open heart can I visit and settle in their homes and hearts."
Then he moved on to mention the infighting his devotees had amongst them that again caught me by surprise. I guess he was opening up to me just as I had all these years. Our moments of engagement in talk has stopped being a monologue as in the past; instead, it has evolved into a dialogue. He had literally spoken to me and we had a conversation a year and a half back. He spoke to the rest of his devotees too at his temple at Carey Island. That was amazing having the Mahamuni address us through a person, to our knowledge, for the very first time. He was apparently not happy with his children fighting among themselves. He wanted it all to end. He said he had summoned some of them. But only two of his dearest children turned up not because of fear but out of love for him. I felt sad too. I listened quietly. He went into a state of silence again something he does often only to come out of it to say what needed to he said, often returning to his domain. I knew he had moved on to attend to his numerous duties and other matters.
The silence prolonged. I moved away from the room - his room, to let him be with his thoughts.
Sitting with Agathiyar reminded me of the few but valuable days I sat at the feet of Supramania Swami and Tavayogi. Both my gurus taught me by example that both Guru and Erai are accessible to us without the need for mediators. The problem with us is we want to follow every guru on the face of the earth and follow every teaching available out there. Hence the confusion arises. I have sat with Tavayogi watching many devotees of Agathiyar who go on questioning him for hours, comparing what another guru had said and asked his opinion about it. They come to him so full of religious and spiritual knowledge and vomit them to him, in most possibly a show of their greatness at having read and heard so much. I used to think if they knew so much why are they there in the first place? What can they possibly gain that other gurus haven't given them?
Agathiyar says we need the experience immaterial if they were happy moments or sad moments. If we are to fall for frauds and conmen and are cheated, do not be angry over them for having cheated us or angry at oneself for falling prey to their tactics. Take it as a lesson to be learned or a past score that has been settled for good and move on. Ma tells us that life is to be experienced without holding on to grudges and guilt. One man's experience is another's lesson.