I believed in God. I had a strong faith in him. Furthermore, I loved him for his sake and not for favors, handouts, or goodies. My routine as a bachelor then was in getting up early in the wee hours of dawn and praying to him by observing whatever little I learned about home puja or worship of deities. Likewise, I would do the same at dusk too daily without fail. The reason being, apart from going to work, I had all the time on hand and I chose to occupy myself by conducting these prayers and with reading too. Having read much and discussed what was read among senior colleagues at work, it all came to a standstill. When a devotee relative was knocked down by a car and died on the spot while crossing the road after praying at a temple; and when a devotee servant who used to give his shoulders for his favorite deity to stand on in temple ceremonies saw his wife who was carrying then in bad shape, and the deity owned up and took responsibility for causing her suffering, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. That was the end of the road for me and my faith in God. I began questioning him. How could the most merciful and compassionate harm his/her own children? This question stood foremost in my mind. I just could not accept it. It just did not make sense. I was twenty then. It was a big hit to my faith in him. Although God had kept me and my family well I could not come to terms that the very deities whom I worshiped had let down their sincere devotees. Then like a lightning bolt in the dark sky, Lord Shiva came in my dream to disperse my confusion, not by giving answers but by asking me to put on hold all my questions to a later date. That later date only came after 14 years of hibernation and refraining from all forms of worship and reading. If they had explained to me then it would not suffice to put out my anger. Neither would I have understood the science behind life that only the divine knew.
Bringing me to see the Nadi after 14 years living in cold storage, Agathiyar explained to me about karma or the law of cause and effect taking me and my past doings as an example. Only then did I come to understand that we are of our own doing. But there was a reprieve in it for he showed us a way to correct our past doings. He gives us remedies that are in the form of pilgrimage and prayers. I, too, began my journey to right the wrong.
Soon I began to learn more about karma and its effects, from books, the net, and from the experiences of devotees who shared with me their life story.
Many tell me that they had not harmed any being and ask why they were going through hell. I explain to them the concept of karma that is new to them. Then they ask me back if it was fair for God to punish them in this life for some wrong done in the past. I explain that karma goes beyond many births and that if one were to settle all the debts in one life span it would be a horror. God cushions the effects of karma by giving us only that much that we can possibly shoulder in this life and shelves the others to a later birth. Besides that, we do accumulate more karma in this life that shall add to the long and existing list. Even if our baggage of bad deeds on one end is lightened we tend to add on more baggage through more wrongdoings.
Looking back at my life and the means that my guru Tavayogi and Agathiyar provided to render the karma harmless, or at least to cushion its effects further, it brings me to understand and equate it with "The First Law of Thermodynamics (Conservation) that states that energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed. The total amount of energy and matter in the Universe remains constant, merely changing from one form to another. ( https://www2.estrellamountain.edu/). Karma too like any other energy form cannot be destroyed but can change form. Hence, we understand why we are given remedies and asked to do charities etc.
If many saw the remedies as super pills that eradicated or washed away their sins immediately and life blossomed and lightened up for them, it was not to be so for equally many others. Why was that so I asked myself? Some turn up telling me that they had carried out all that Agathiyar had directed them to do, and ask why there wasn't any change in their lives. I had no answers. I am equally lost too here. I cannot talk further about karma apart from what I have come to learn from the books, net, and the Siddhas. I thought I had understood karma. It was becoming more and more difficult to comprehend the inner workings of karma. Only the Siddhas know the truth and they are not revealing for the truth always hurts. A holy one too shall slip and fall. A loved one shall leave us too, what is commonly considered as being jilted. But there are reasons for it only known to the Siddhas. If revealed publicly many might take the opportunity to engage in such ways and blame it on karma or dormant vasanas that motivated them. We have often heard the story of the boy who was reprimanded for hurting a frog. An old man tells him not to hurt the poor amphibian for then he shall be born a frog in the next life and the frog then a human will hurt him the same way he did too. Never did the old man anticipate the answer that came from the cunning boy who told him that he was repaying what the frog then a man did to him who was then a frog in a last birth. He told the man that he was merely paying back. Smart kid indeed.
In having us engage in prayers and doing charity, eventually, he brought us to understand that even the good has to end for that too shall require us to take another birth to be repaid. Does this mean that if we seek not to take another birth and to end this endless chain, we should sit still in which case we would not disrupt a thing or create ripples or vibrations? Should we just exist as part of the existence without any participation? Be the dot and not the extended line.
Just as man is said to have evolved "beginning with the evolutionary history of primates — in particular, genus Homo — and leading to the emergence of Homo sapiens as a distinct species of the hominid family" (Wikipedia), understanding too has to evolve. The divine was giving our soul the related and relevant experiences to evolve over many births. But be assured that after going through the experiences, analyzing them, and trying to understand them eventually with much effort, just when we think that we have understood things better and clearly, at least for that moment in time while the understanding still stands its ground, and just as we finally begin to raise our arms in joy to claim that we have solve lives greatest puzzles, the divine comes along to break that understanding too, never allowing us to revel in joy at comprehending them for too long. There is no end to our understanding.