In moving away from the material world into the religious and spiritual world, we tend to bring the former traits along with us instead of leaving them behind or exhausting them. We tend to run a movement, an organization, a temple management, or a political party, for that matter, following tradition closely. If a former guru got his followers to tie up a cat that was bothering the ritual taking place, that very act is carried out in the years to come without enquiring why it was done in the very first place. I am glad I did not fall for the numerous traps on the spiritual path that called for loyalty. Tavayogi taught me well. I am glad I did not fall for the numerous traps on the spiritual path that unknowingly strengthen the ego or desires. Agathiyar taught me well, as well. I realize that not many can commit to a task, whether it be a ritual practice, yoga practice, or study. It is short-lived. They give in to the pressures of the numerous other tasks on hand and sideline what would pave the way for them to move up the ladder and share with others, as Agathiyar has told me to. We surrender and give up. What we should do instead is surrender unto the divine and give up whatever is holding us back.
If Jnana Jothiamma told me she vomited as many as 32 times a day, I have been spared the intense pain and agony. If phlegm came to the forefront the moment I hit the sack back then, these days the phlegm that is slimy is expelled throughout the day and night. Figuratively speaking, tons of it are expelled. I am kept awake, spitting out phlegm. Stools are gritty and stink. Body aches come and go and traverse the whole body, at times remaining longer than usual at a particular spot. Limbs go numb at times. Sexual urges surge at times. An obvious renewal has taken place, where my hair has turned black again. One has to face and manage all these when we arrive at the place where internal transformation is taking place.
I can no longer conform to the rule of thumb, as nothing interests me anymore. I seem to have become an outlaw. Many have asked when I am going to India, as Malaysians are exempt from paying for the Visa now. As they say, the dust has settled, everything has settled down, and I have no desire to do so. I make no plans anymore, either. Agathiyar drives me around to do things if required of me. I am happy, satisfied, and contented. I spend time with my grandchildren either in the field, or park, or in the toy shops buying them toys, or at the malls to chill out, buying them food. I live for the day. I am unattached. I have no property except for my home, a roof over my head, and a car, wheels to travel, both necessities. I have no friends or relatives coming around except for one or two who still remember me.
Do not look down on yourself. You are special. You are here to receive your award - Mukti or liberation. Mukti is of four kinds, I was told when I had a chat with Mataji Sarojini Ammaiyar of Kallar Ashram a couple of days ago. I could then relate this to all that I had read earlier. I understood that we all shall attain Mukti and that it is not a privilege offered to only some, but, on the contrary, the birthright of each individual. What varies is the form of Mukti. For one who comes to the path, though we haven't attained the status of a Siddha, we are allowed into their home and grounds to run around. This is similar to living in the world of Siva or Salogam. This is akin to a child living in the world of adults. When we come of "age", we take up upon ourselves to clean the home, pick up the toys lying around, play with them, analyze them, and learn a thing or two during play, as in Sariyai. We are then given the responsibility to carry out the rituals that the Siddhas did. We pick up the method and the practice of carrying out Kriyas. We become curious to know more and hungry for details and information regarding these practices. The hidden wealth that comes through these practices is now passed on to us. We rub shoulders with them, bringing us to Sameebam. We are then led into Yogam, and taught the Asana or physical postures, and the practice of Praṇayama or nurturing the Prana (breath) within us, which brings on an internal transformation in us. We turn into young adults, taking charge of our lives and shaping our bodies and minds. We take the form of Siva or Saarupam. As age catches up with us and after settling our responsibilities, we then settle down in Pratyahara, or the withdrawal of the senses. We go within to unearth the hidden treasures and gifts - Quietitude, Contentment, and Peace - that are to be treasured more than the earlier gifts that were laid before us for the taking. We dissipate the knowledge and experience, learned and earned, to others so that "consciousness may dissolve in the light of the soul of every being." It is only after reaching the state of satisfaction and completeness, where we do not seek anything further, that we can serve others fully. We are tasked by the Siddhas to do their work, carry out their mission, and bring others to the fold. Still, we are not Siddhas as yet but only their emissaries. We have only arrived at the door to the merger or union or betrothal or the Final Summation that is Saayutcham. The door opens up to the ocean, where Lord Siva awaits to ferry us across to his land of paradise, as he did Tavayogi. Supramania Swami had to close up the window to this land and mountain beyond the ocean, as it was fiery, and his eyes could not look at it anymore.