Wednesday 22 November 2017

THE "I"

Where was this "I" before it took on this body? What then happens to this "I" after I shed this body?  Will "I" keep existing? Life is a mystery indeed.

When did this journey that we call life start? When did I become aware of "me"? I try to trace back but I do not have any recollection of that moment when the "I" arised in me and I became aware of me as an individual or entity. 

When did this journey that I know as life start? From my mother's perspective, it must have begun the moment she began to have symptoms linked to pregnancy. Then my father would have come to know of the good news. Both of them would have rejoiced and looked forward for my arrival. My siblings would have become aware of a life taking shape in their mummy's tummy later. Soon the relatives and friends too would have come to know. Where was "I" then? I have no recollection, as I am shown photos of the past.

My life had already begun without "my" knowledge. "I" was not making my life happen but was at the mercy of some mysterious hand that worked on me then. The moment I was delivered, even then "I" was not making my life. I was dependent on so many for my very existence and survival.

When did this "I" set in then? When did this awareness of "me" as an entity, an individual among many others arise? It would seem that "I" came to occupy this body only after some time of its existence. Soon "I" began to pack myself with all kinds of thoughts, ideas, routines, ambitions, achievements, etc till this "I" has bloated into one inflated ego.

In this journey of life that "I" have taken I became engaged in worship for reasons I cannot remember. I used to follow my parents as a child; then I began to frequent temples on my own. Wanting to understand better what is it that we were doing and practicing, led me to read and listen to discourses by pioneers in this field. Then dissatisfied with the actions of certain quarters I took it upon myself to conduct prayers personally in the comfort of my home. That began to give me utmost satisfaction and joy. I set my own rules and built discipline within me, never breaking my own rules. Then there came a cooling off period in my life. I abstained from all forms of worship. In 1998 when a new temple was built and consecrated for Lord Muruga in my local neighborhood, I began to frequent the 48 days of Mandala Puja that followed the Kumbhabhisegam. My wife was carrying our second child then. I cannot remember what mooted me to revisit the temple after a long gap of 14 years. Similarly I had no reason, to go on a vegetarian diet after she was born.

Then Agathiyar stepped into my life, things became clearer. He began to reveal the reasons for my existence, reasons for things to take place, etc. This "I" now is aware of another side of the coin that is life. "I" am shown my purpose in life. I understand that every single thing that takes place or single person I meet was placed in my path for a reason. I was to help them. Helping others bring joy to both parties. "I" have to leave something of me behind when my day is up. Something to be remembered by. Only then can "I" safely say that I had lived a fulfilling life.