LOSING THE "I"

As I sat in the puja room of Supramania Swami while visitors who dropped by at his kudil during my short stay with him sought his advice, a talisman or amulet or sought to know their future through the horoscope, I could not help but listen to their conversation. I thought it was good of him to help out those who came seeking help. When I frequented the local peedham where Tavayogi was putting up during his stay in Malaysia, I listened to the many devotees and seekers who come with their problems. When Agathiyar sent seekers to AVM too I too had my fair share of seekers ask me many things. Although I did not have the patience that Tavayogi had, I would share my experiences and that of others who came by as examples to remove their concern. I have seen my share of seekers, some who came out of curiosity and never returned again. Others stopped all forms of communications once what they desired was attained. Then of course there are those who are loyal to Agathiyar. To those who do not see results, I find it had to tell them that it could partly be their fault and the fault in their stars (karma). The Siddhas can talk about others' karma. Who am I to talk about them when I too am shouldering my own baggage of karma?

When confronted with delays, Agathiyar tells us that the delay in seeing the results is because the seekers delay taking up the solution. The Siddhas are very particular about the timing of actions. Although the Siddhas are beyond time and space and can manipulate both, we humans are caught in these two dimensions. Hence we have to execute our actions at the times specified to see the results we look for. 

Although I followed to the word all of Agathiyar's instructions, there were times when he wanted to gift me that I refused them. For instance, he wanted to gift me the Nadi, come heal others using me and my venue, and speak through me or his devotees. He wanted to gift me the honor of building a temple for him and Lord Murugan too. I turned them all down. I had my reasons for not accepting or not moving or not going ahead. I told him the reasons. He dropped his desire to award me for my faith in him. But I had erred I realized when I did not move house as told some time back in 2018. The reason he gave me was that my home was too small to accommodate his devotees whom he was to bring over for his Vizha. I turned it down for the Vizha was only once a year and that I was comfortable in my humble small home. I did not yearn to pull a crowd over and turn my home into a temple for others. I always believed each of us has to start making his home a temple. I was not in favor of converging at centers, peedhams, societies, establishments, etc. But I believe he saw into the future and knew what was to become of my small housing estate. What was a road leading into this housing scheme that catered only for its residents today has turned into the main road that cuts through linking many other housing estates that have come up over time. The peace and quiet that we enjoyed in the nineties are lost with this additional traffic flow. A house of worship coming up a few lanes away is going to bring in more traffic too.

The fog and mist that brushed past our faces both in the mornings and evenings are no more seen. Most of the owners we knew have moved out since then and what we have is noisy and indifferent tenants renting the houses. I guess I have missed the boat when Agathiyar asked me to leave then. So even as I advise others to take heed of the Siddha's advice and timings, I have failed in this matter to listen. 

But Ramalinga Adigal told me to bear with the disturbances as it was a teaching that would lead to Gnanam. I realize I have to come to the state of Supramania Swami who told my colleague that the noise and din from an automotive workshop that sprung overnight beside his kudil did not bother him. We have read about how Bhagawan Ramana had lost himself in the meditative state inside the Patala lingam and how Seshadari Swami saved him by moving him to Virupaksha cave. I realize I have to go a long way more to overcome these challenges.

My granddaughter does not like to read but prefers to listen while we read the stories out to her. There was a story we read together that I asked her to narrate. Just as she started to narrate the story she stopped and immediately told me that she does not remember with a sheepish grin. Then she said the story got washed away in the water just like the colors on the shoes of the cat in the story got washed away. I understood she was lazy to narrate and instead wanted to hear from me again. Then I asked her what happens to me each time I lay my head on the bed to tell her a bedtime story. She surprised me remembering what I had mentioned in passing through. She told me "Kapam, Pittam and Vaatam are expelled." Children do listen and pay attention to everything said. It is because they come empty. Many adults make the mistake of underestimating a child's potential to absorb and learn. Thinking that children do not understand difficult words the adults make sounds and noises instead to reach out to them. Please do not do that. Talk to them properly using the right words as you would to anybody else. They understand. You do not need to find other words to substitute them either. We, adults, have to learn from children.

Speaking about children I have some favorite songs that I sing to them from the movies.

I guess God loves children because of their innocence and purity. They tend to believe everything said while we question every move with suspicion. I guess I haven't completely surrendered to Agathiyar as a child would to her parents. The "I" in me stood in my way and made its decision hindering the process. Now I understand why the Mahan's kept quiet when devotees did abhisegam on them, fed them, gave them gifts, etc. I used to question this and became angry asking myself why they never stopped the devotees from doing so. Just a word of reprimand from them would bring a stop to these practices. But it never works. Even Tavayogi gave up though he had signs telling visitors not to touch his feet. Now I understand that the "I" in them did not exist. It is the "I" that likes and dislikes, accepts or rejects, allows and disallows, hug or pushes away, condones or rejects, etc. When the "I" is lost they don't give a damn what goes around them or what happens to them. That is the state of the Atma.