Agathiyar kept telling me that I had arrived. Talking to my second daughter last night about this and asking how is it that he says I have arrived, I realized that I was looking towards the state of others who had pursued the path earlier. Many seekers who climbed the ladder and eventually took on the role of a guru had set up missions, establishments, movements, societies, groups, etc. I came to realize now that I too have mistakenly seen this as the destination and end of the journey. Looking at their achievements I told myself that I had to travel far yet. But Agathiyar kept telling me that I had arrived and that there was nothing further to do. Lord Murugan too came to affirm this recently. My daughter surprised me and suddenly said that that must have been their desire. That makes sense. God delivers the wishes of those who have taken the effort and time to work towards it. As for me I had shied away from the public eye and publicity and was a reserved and quiet onlooker since a child. But the divine pushed me to the forefront and gave me the exposure to experience and learn which I did.
I had never planned my life since day one. Come to think of it now I had followed the advice of Lao Tzu without knowing, "To go with the flow". I was a timid and shy boy who was creative and artistic back then. I was respectful of people, obliged them, and followed their wishes. After finishing school since I had no ambition, I applied to do Civil engineering following my brother-in-law who was in the field. When I was in college a book I borrowed from the college library turned my life around. I cannot exactly remember the title and author but I took in the message and adopted it. I learned to say no. That helped me a lot and kept me safe.
I indulged in temple worship when I was with my parents and added on home puja when I was living on my own having taken on my first job. As I had much time on my hands I began to do puja to all the deities and read a lot. I had an urge to know about culture, traditions, beliefs, agamas, and religions. I guess this was the first phase that is spoken of as the phase of Sariyai. I had unknowingly stepped into it and followed it for some 29 years. But I was pretty confused and angry with God who made others around me suffer. Seeing the suffering I wanted answers. How can a God who is said to be loving and compassionate not prevent suffering, illnesses, and death? Then Lord Siva in a dream told me to keep my questions to a later date. I let go of all puja, temple worship, and readings. This I now come to understand was the phase of emptying the knowledge picked up from books. There came a long break of 14 years where I got married, had children, and focussed on my work
Then the time came for me to be filled with their knowledge that came from lessons learned and gained from direct experience. I was called to the Nadi and called to the path of worship of the Siddhas. I took it up. I began to understand the reason for all suffering, illnesses, and death. I learned about birth and rebirth, Karma, and remedies. I learned about desires and wants and their hold and attachment to us. Agathiyar brought me to my first guru Supramania Swami of Tiruvannamalai and after two years brought Tavayogi Thangarasan Adigal of Kallar Ashram to our shores. I traveled with them and Agathiyar who came through numerous readings in the Nadi.
Supramania Swami taught me Guru Bakti or devotion to one's guru. I who saw God in temple statues and the paintings at my altar until then was shown another aspect of God - God in the form of a living guru. Supramania Swami had five gurus: his own father Jayaram Pillai, Kollimalai Swami, Pundi Mahan (Atru Swami), Sathanandha Swami of Salem (author of Kandhar Guru Kavasam), and Yogi Ramsuratkumar (Visiri Swami). Tavayogi came under the following lineage of gurus: Agathiyar, Ramalinga Adigal, Jeganatha Swamigal, and his personal guru Chitramuthu Adigal.
I shared my maiden pilgrimage to India in 2003, my journey with Tavayogi in 2005, and the journey traveling with co-seekers carrying out home puja, temple puja, and charity, all that transpired externally till 2019 in this blog.
When Agathiyar asked that I build a temple for him, I was excited but that excitement died down and so did my effort, when temple committees I approached refused to even give me a square inch of their premises to house Agathiyar's shrine. When he came through me and took to task, healed, and sent off strangers, I voiced my concern and fear and asked that it stop. He asked me one question that shut me up and give in. "Where would you go if I were to close my ears to your pleas and prayers?" He told me to step aside and watch. He asks that I give in to his wish to use me and my home, as he had to see these people. I gave in. When he told me that he shall hand me his Nadi to be worshiped and read for myself and others, I did not want it either. When many who initiated and wanted to be gurus, would invite Tavayogi to officiate Peedhams on their premises, I never had that thought nor did Tavayogi initiate me into it. Instead, he started me off on Kriyai by having me light the Homam in my home. Tavayogi taught me and several others Yoga Asanas and Pranayama. Unknown to me this practice activated the Muladhara. But with the coming of Agathiyar in the form of a bronze statue that he had me commission and made in Swamimalai, India, that was originally meant to go to the Sri Raghavendra Mrithiga Brindavanam in Ipoh, Agathiyar sent several youths to my home to watch and participate in these pujas through their Nadi readings. Agathiyar Vanam Malaysia (AVM) was born. It was a loose group of seekers and devotees who gathered to conduct puja and charity. He then decided to stay put. With the coming of the pandemic, Agathiyar having foresight of its coming, closed this group and had us all go our way. I was asked to go within. Meanwhile, Agathiyar used me and others as a medium to speak through, heal, initiate, teach Yoga, and dispense Gnanam.
I had wanted to pay back for all his kindness, love, and compassion but did not know how to go about it. Neither did I know what would be the best means of giving back. Thinking that serving him in all my births and lives to come, I put forth this wish when he came around asking all these gathered their wishes. He then asked me, "If that was what I wanted?" I knew that instant that it was not what one should ask, remembering my earlier conversation with Tavayogi back then. When I had told Tavayogi that I wished to see Agathiyar and Ramalinga Adigal in the flesh. Tavayogi asked me back, "If that was what I wanted?" He continued telling me that they shall come easily but is that what I wanted? I knew that it was not what one should ask for. Speaking to Mahindren over the phone about this conversation with Agathiyar, and agreeing that we should ask for Gnanam which was stressed by Tavayogi often, Agathiyar eavesdropped on us and told me the next round he came that I wanted Gnanam. He went on to tell me that Gnanam was not gifted but we had to earn it. Contrary to associating Gnanam with wisdom and knowledge that is gained from worldly experiences, Agathiyar described it as an internal journey, traversing within through the numerous chakras and arriving at the Sahasrara.
2 1/2 years later just as Lord Ganesa toppled the Kamandalam or water vessel and freed the river Kaveri who was held captive in it by Agathiyar for her disobedience, arrogance, and Ego, he freed the energies within that then stagnated and ponded at Manipuraka. Within days it reached its summit and swirled in circles as a whirlpool in the crown of the head, the Sahasrara. Asking Agathiyar if there was anything by way of practice that I should do further, he replied to do nothing. Lord Muruga too came to say the same. Each time I asked him if there was anything I should do, the answers were the same. DO NOTHING. BE STILL. As I re-live the calm after the storm, he has me share the experiences that are taking place with my readers.
Since I had no desire, was not ambitious, and had refused to accept all the gifts that Agathiyar placed before me and never seized the opportunities that came my way, recently he put forth the idea, asking me "What if I made you a guru?" As I had refused him all this while, I did not want to hurt him further and agreed to accept this gift. He immediately told me, "No, I shall make you a 743342, instead". That made me dumbfounded and speechless. Agathiyar has shown me that one does not need a post, a mission, an establishment, a movement, a society, or a group. I can go on living the way I did, without any change to my lifestyle and manner of living. I do not need to walk out of the family, adorn a Kaavi or saffron robe, give discourses, gather followers, and feed my alter Ego further. All he is asking for, I came to understand, is love. He has even told me to drop my hold on him, for how else can I step out of the divide between Dvaita and Advaita and become one with him, he asked. Know that we have arrived when we are one.