All search has stopped. All the readings do not interest me anymore. The singing of praises comes to a halt on its own. All the watching and listening do not amuse me anymore. All conversations, be it on worldly matters or spiritual matters do not interest me no more. No amount of talk interests me, even those on spiritual matters. Nothing or nobody grips my attention not even the religious and spiritual. Nothing interests me anymore and it is nothing of my doing. It just came down to it. I am an alien amidst my own people. I am a stranger in the company of others. But nevertheless, there is a feeling of completeness or puranam within.
I keep asking myself if it was arrogance and ego that has arisen in me that shuns all these. I pray not for I have learned that many have fallen never to rise up again when they we closest to achieving their spiritual dreams. As I go through the lines of Ramalinga Adigal who lists the possible reasons for his birth or karma that gave rise to his birth, I shudder in fear if I had stepped on other's feet and brought on me their wrath that I have to come back to settle the score or make good in another birth.
Why is this happening to me I asked myself? When AVM was a hive of activity I saw where I was heading. Agathiyar by holding our hands brought us from Sariyai to Kriyai to Yoga, but the moment he asked us to drop everything and move within we were lost. As we associate activity with progress and set milestones as a yardstick for us, suddenly we are left in the lurch to fend for ourselves and grope in the dark or so it seemed. As the darkness threatens to envelop us, there comes a song or two that lifts us into the realm of joy or drives us to think of the authenticity of the lyrics or lines. Here are some that indeed make us sit back and take notice and ponder on the truth of these lyrics.
Eating has become sacred just like puja was at one time. I savor the food asking that what I consume reaches and satisfies the hunger of many out there. To my grandchildren like other children who are prone to complain about why a dish was served and not another, I tell them to receive the food given with gratitude first. I ask them to thank the almighty for the food first. Whatever they don't want or cannot finish the adults will for we know the cost of food and its preciousness.
Sleep has diminished. Hunger prevails at times, otherwise, there is a fullness felt in the belly. The body keeps expelling urine frequently and stools and urine at times, smell of decay and rot within. The flowering in the head comes on without any pomp and fanfare and stays on for as long as I bring my attention to it. The bodily pains that come uninvited do leave without notice too. I guess the body is healing itself. If testosterone levels are known to decline with age, here it seems to be high again as in our twenties. I guess I can understand why some gurus fell in disgrace at their prime or peak of popularity. I guess a safe bet would be to be with the spouse and satisfy these urges.
But Agathiyar's presence is felt at all moments as we step away from the norm and venture further into unknown frontiers. Hence the reason he asks that I share is so that others eager to venture on the trodden track would have an idea of what is in store, though he says that these experiences will vary from person to person and even he cannot describe them to us. Ramalinga Adigal says he hesitates to describe not because it was forbidden but for lack of words to describe. Words cannot justify these experiences. I guess that is the reason the ones who have tasted the ambrosia chose not to speak about it for how could you describe sweetness to another without having them partake in a portion of it for themselves. We have to experience them for ourselves.
I used to ask Suren if I had overshared my experiences back then as he was an ardent reader of this blog. Then Agathiyar comes along and asks me to share my experiences in going within which is not much to shout about. Now I ask readers if there is even an iota of arrogance or ego or pride in my relatively insignificant achievements shared on this blog, please forgive me for it is not my intent to beat the drum and blow one's horn.